I have spent a considerable amount of time just staring blankly into the screen in hope I will be inspired..In hope my brain will make some sort of sense of today. Also been busy listening to Sia, totally obsessed with Chandelier and Breathe me. Finding it hard to concentrate tonight, keep flitting about the flat but not actually doing anything in particular..It’s just one of those days…
Yesterday my dark passenger decided it had been a while, so it came to say not to forget it was still about. Grrr, just as I think I am over the worst of my addiction. It pops its head up just to make sure I never fucking forget! BASTARD can just do one now. It was not too intense and pretty short lived. But I did however find myself trying to justify reasons to cut…and I ended up arguing with myself about it. On one had one side was saying, well one small cut just along your thumb won’t notice, it won’t matter…That argument got me really thinking…well would it matter if it was just one small cut?? No one had to know…Ok its triggering just writing this, but I need too. So yeah one small cut along my thumb, could pass it off as a cooking accident or whatever..I knew deep down it would still be real and yes it would bloody matter! and I’d be back to square one. I couldn’t do it then carry on saying I was so many months free because I would have totally cheated myself. I tried very hard to ignore the part of me that was trying to rationalise it and making it ok. But deep in my soul I knew I didn’t want to cheat myself, I do not want to go back to square one. I do not want to fail myself. I’ve come WAY too far. Dark passenger I know you are there. I will never become to that thinking again. I know you will forever be my addiction. I know I will never truly be free from you. I fucking hate that you will never be gone. But you know what you will never fucking beat me and you will never have control of my life like you did 8 years ago! You were nasty and you were strong. But the tables have turned my old friend. I am strong now! Never forget your place. I am the master of you. I am on control. Yes you will always be with me. But you will never be me. Not again. Know your place dark passenger! Maybe in the future we can part ways forever. But for now it is what it is……
So yeah that was last night and then I decided to go to bed. I think I was in bed just gone 11 pm…Now the only trouble of going to bed that early is that I have been falling asleep pretty quickly and sleeping on average about 8 hours, which apparently is what happens for normal people….wow. Yeah…I woke up at 7:30 am! I didn’t need to be up, nor really did I want to be up that early. Because it means more hours of the day that I have to deal with. GAH! However I’d woken up with a really bad headache, not sure if it would turn into a migraine or not. So I dosed up on my sumatriptan and did the very sensible thing of eating two bowls….small bowls may I add though. Of Chocolate lucky charms, I just cannot get enough of them! They are just so yummy. I then snuggled up on the sofa with the pups and Marley moo cat came and sat on my back lol and we had a lil nap till just before 10 am.
I would like to say I bounced up feeling better and ready to face the day ahead…yeah truth being, my head was still hurting a bit. So I took more pain killers, I had another bowl of chocolate lucky charms…well helps me get through lol 😀 It does honestly. Sat about a bit more…looked at the time and thought I’d better throw myself into the shower and get myself looking half decent, it takes a while. I was taking my time in the shower….I think last night was still playing on my mind. Have to be on alert again. That takes a lot of energy I don’t have….But still must press on and try and get through each day.
I had scrappy following me about most of the morning with his favourite ball in his mouth lol. Sorry boy no time for games today But I took them across the road for a wee and a run. Scrappy kept picking up stones and throwing them about. Foxy wasn’t happy about being dragged out, so I had to keep encouraging her to keep going and chase scrappy etc. We got in and I had a little time to kill, so I sorted my bag out and played fetch with scrappy for a bit.
Headphones in, music on, bag on back, cap on, hood up, keys, wallet! Boom ready. Off I go to group. I love sitting on the bus just getting lost in my music.
Group was good. Hard going in some parts but I stuck with it. Some weeks do feel frustrated as I don’t feel I get as much out of it as I want too, sometimes I want to walk out because I get bored when I have to listen for a long time. But people listen to be blab on lol so that would be rude to leave. Just have to learn to sit with things. I try and be present too and not zone out but that’s also hard. Sitting still and being quiet is hard…I just feel itchy like I need to move. I’m getting better because I had to be still at lot at group for DBT. But its still an uncomfortable feeling for me. When I write my blog it takes me a long time and its not always written in one go. Most of the time I am up and down, fiddling about with various things…yeah being still isn’t one of my strengths, either is being quiet for long periods. I can almost feel is all bubbling up inside like I’m going to explode lol! Some weeks I can deal with it better then others. I think this week has been such a mixed bag and I’ve not really expressed myself well in my blogs lately. It’s just been day to day what I’m doing. I need to get more involved in writing the emotional side of my life. But sometimes that’s hard when I’ve had a bad pain day because I am just exhausted in so many ways..anyway I digress. Right yes group was good. Got a lot out of it. 🙂
Home and scrappy hasn’t destroyed anything! Yay nor has he peed or pooped anywhere. Woohoo! Slowly getting there.
I got them ready and took them straight out for a run. Scrappy needed to burn off energy and they both needed to pee and poop. It was bloody freezing! But I tried to say out for about 15 mins. But coming home to a warm flat makes it better.
Got my dinner sorted as time was getting on and I was hungry. Dinner was good, ate it all and pups and the cat had some chicken too 🙂
So this evening how has it been spent…well it started off with being wrapped up as it was cold tonight. I currently sit here in my pj top, socks and boxers lol! I got hot…what can I say, I am starting to get cold now.
Wow its 1:20 am! How the hell did that happen…I started writing nearly 2 hours ago. Well they say that good work takes time 😉
Ooooh I nearly bloody forgot something important that has had my lil cogs ticking and I’ve spent time looking things up. So I was talking to M who runs group, I think I was talking about finding reading things overwhelming like official things, paper work etc. And the topic of dyslexia came up…may I just say that’s a stupid fucking word for people who can’t spell etc. She noticed that when I fill in forms I can’t write in a straight line. I’ve NEVER been able too. I always put that down to being left handed. I got LOTS of negative things from teachers at school about my hand writing and its because I’m left handed etc. But M said she does the same, can’t write in a straight line because she’s dyslexic too. So all evening I’ve been thinking about how I read and write, I’ve looked up about it as well and I did a free test online YES I KNOW ITS NOT OFFICIAL! But a lot of the symptoms and what people who are dyslexic do and yeah its makes sense as to why writing my blog takes so long, why my concentration is so poor. I re-word a sentence a few times until I am sure it will make sense to others and not just myself lol and some words even small words takes me a few goes to get the letters in the right order..it all kind of makes sense now. So I am not just getting stupid. I think I’ve got away with it because I’m not stupid…I was able to keep up. Plus I missed lots of school because of my health, so I probably slipped through the cracks. But yeah it makes a lot of sense. Another one to add to my ever growing list of issues! I’m not going to pursue getting an official diagnosis…well I don’t think there would be a real point in it. I don’t really want an official label. It’s just good to make sense of me.
Wow long blog today! I need to get this body to bed soon. Everything is starting to hurt, I need to rest my mind and body 🙂