It’s my trans group again tonight, which is why I am updating early. I may write again later, will see how I feel.
So yeah yesterday….my mood was incredibly low and I wasn’t particularly articulate, because of the low mood. And yeah my attitude to people who were being nice was horrible, but I don’t need people trying to fix it or be nice or whatever, I just need to be left to it.
I was in bed and asleep be 9:30 pm because I couldn’t cry any more and I just couldn’t deal any more.
Been up since 8:30 am, but haven’t napped. I had a good 11 hours sleep last night, but I think I definitely needed it.
Haven’t done anything today, apart from sit on my ass, get a shower, get dressed and take the rubbish out. I’ll take the pups out soon. Spent a while clearing stuff off my phone, as the memory was totally full.
I have an appointment in the morning to see the hand specialist and get my metal splint fitted. I’m going to ask questions about all my other issues I have with that hand and wrist and maybe they can help. Because I have a trapped nerve and I am prone to tendonitis as well.
I have also spoken to my GPA specialist, well his secretary and we had a lil chat. I told her about everything I’ve been going through recently. And she said she’ll pass the message on and see what he thinks. She shortly rang me back to say that I have an appointment at the end of March, but she said if she can get one that’s a bit sooner.
Oh man typing with a fractured finger is so painful! But I NEED to get everything out.
So the mood thing…birthday thing. GAH! My mood is a little better today, feeling less depressed but still a bit grumpy. I’m going down on my quetiapine today, from 150mgs to 100mgs. So this maybe have a small effect on my mood but its not the cause.
The birthday thing…I am pushing people away on purpose and I am big enough to admit that. It’s not something I am proud of but its my way of protecting myself. In the past my birthday’s haven’t been great. My last adult birthday when my dad threw me a party only a few people bothered coming, this devastated me. Since then I’ve not really been a fan on birthdays and since then its been down to me to sort it out. With everything I go through just for once I really want someone to take control and I don’t know make a fuss. I see other people going out and having a great time for their birthdays, yes past birthdays have been good, but I feel that if I hadn’t sorted something out, no one else would have. I just feel incredibly let down by everyone around me and YES I more then understand that people are busy have their own shit going on, but it doesn’t take 2 seconds to text and check I’m ok, seriously one single text would make all the difference to my mood. I know people care, but because I don’t feel like people haven’t shown it to me, through lack of contact or whatever. I feel alone, totally alone and isolated. I feel like not one single soul in the entire world gives a shit. When I am ok physically and mentally I bend over backwards to help all my friends, make sure they are ok, even if its just a text. There are certain people I think of every day and text on a regular basis just to check in and hoping they are ok. My expectations of my friends maybe are too high…..maybe I just need to try and be happy with what I have..
I am tired, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Every ounce of my being is fed up, I feel broken. I want a break, from fighting my mind and body, I want a break from just dealing with day to day adult life. Just even for a day. I need a break. But I can’t get one.
So whoever of my friends is reading this I do apologise for being a grumpy cunt. But I also hope you’ve taken in what I’ve actually said. It comes straight from the soul as does all my blogs..
Another birthday celebrated without my best friend…my daddy. Man I miss him so freaking much. I miss being able to call him up and bitch and moan about everything. I know he’d make the effort to come see me even though he lived far away. I knew my dad truly loved me. I miss him making me laugh to cheer me up. He’d do anything for me and he knew I was there just the same for him. I hope he is proud of me 😥 I miss him every second of every day. Sometimes I wish I was with him. But I know I have to live life for the both of us. He may have been my dad but he was my soul mate, we were so alike. He just understood and got me. No one else in the family I have that same bond with. I miss him so much.
Writing through tears again. But I gotta sort out pups, my pill box and dinner before I go out tonight. As I said I’m sorry for being a pain, but my soul is in pain.
Category: UncategorizedTags: appointments, atriculate, bipolar, birthday, body, break, broken, contact, control, crying, dad, depression, fractured finger, friends, granulomatosis polyangiitis, grief, hand specialist, isolated, lonely, low mood, mind, missing, past, phone, protecting myself, pushing people away, routine, sad, sleep, sorry, soul, sprititually