Agitated as FUCK!

Urgh I’ve been sat here for fucking ages just looking at stuff online, not even taking it in because I feel fucking shit! and so fucking frustrated and agitated. I don’t really know why…Possibly triggered by counselling… but I’m not sure.

My mood dropped after I opened my post this afternoon, it was from the Department of Work and Pensions. It says that I have to start the process of applying for the Personal Independent Payment, which will replace the Disability Living Allowance… This fucking process is BULLSHIT! and so stressful. Because I have to prove yet again that I am sick and list all the things that I cannot fucking do due to being fucking sick! I fucking hate the whole fucking thing. Plus I’ve got to do all the leg work in getting them proof as well! Fucking CUNTS!

Ha yeah I’m not mad at all tonight…. But yeah it makes me so furious! Urgh it’s just all to much to deal with right now. I have emailed my occupational therapist about my benefits and a few other bits. So I am hoping she can help me sort this shit out.

I had an okay day up until then, I slept ok-ish last night. Did the housework this morning, didn’t walk the dogs because the weathers been fucking shit all day long. Finished colouring my frog and spent most of the day with Friends on tv.

I can’t human any more today. The only thing I know that for sure will make me feel better is cutting, fuck I miss it soooo fucking much! It hurts inside, physically hurts because I haven’t cut in tow years. Yeah it’s great cuz it’s bad blah blah blah! But I fucking LOVE IT! for some weird fucking reason. I NEED it so fucking bad and nothing even comes close to it, not holding ice, not drawing on myself NOTHING! because it’s not the fucking same! But if I did cut I would kick myself for it because I’ve come so far..but I can start that 2 years again….I feel so weird when I talk about it, my whole body just aches because it wants it as bad as my head does. Literally don’t know how tonight will end… I will either just go to bed. Or cut and go to bed.. 2 options. Fucking hate this. Why is this not socially acceptable?? I love cutting so bad. I can’t even talk about it any more because I feel so physically uncomfortable because I crave it so bad.

Group tomorrow.. meh. I may go.

I’m out, I can’t be fucked tonight!



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