Recovering from depression, anxiety and disassociation

So I’ve haven’t written in a few days because I’ve just not been in the mood to write, well I’ve not really been in the mood to do anything at all.

I’ve been in a real funk, I’ve been feeling mega anxious, totally disassociated from everything, depressed, overwhelmed and just feeling totally fucking shit. I’ve struggled to even talk let alone get up and do stuff. But I’ve spent today just relaxing and I did clean the flat so I am feeling a bit better.

I suppose I’ll write a quick catch up.

Fri – I slept well Thurs night, but it took every ounce of energy I had to get up, eat and get showered and dressed. But I did it eventually, I was just in survival mode, totally shut down.

My best friend came over and she treated me to the cinema, we went and saw The Maze Runner – Scorch Trials in 3D. It was so good πŸ™‚ really enjoyed it and for that time the film was on I felt better.

When we got back from the film, we chilled out for a bit and then decided what to do for dinner.

We took the pups down Baiter for a walk, H borrowed a pair of my trainers so her nice white trainers didn’t get wrecked lol. It’s really boggy down there atm, so don’t blame her. It was so nice to go for a walk together and the cinema as we’ve not done that for so so long and I did really enjoy it πŸ™‚ Scrappy had great fun running through the massive puddles and Foxy had fun chasing the birds lol.

H got KFC on the way home and she got me something from there too. We got back, ate and put on a film, but we ended up chatting about stuff which was nice. I’ve really missed hanging out with her just chatting and stuff.

I couldn’t even tell my friend who I’ve been best friends for, for about 15 years now that I self harmed. I just couldn’t, I couldn’t verbalize it at all. I felt really frustrated that I couldn’t tell her either…. But I suppose if I say it out loud it makes it real.

Saturday – I woke up about 9:30am, had something to eat and drink and fell back to sleep until 11 am. We didn’t get to bed till late, so I needed that sleep.

H and I just chilled out for a bit, I eventually got showered and dressed.

H left and I still wasn’t feeling good and I just couldn’t get my head together, so I went to bed for a sleep for nearly 2 hours. I totally needed it though.

I’d said to my brother I’d go over, so I took the pups out, took them home and sorted them out and headed to my brothers.

Had fun playing with the boys and chasing my bro with the nerf guns πŸ™‚

Got home, took the pups for a wee and just sat for a bit. Eventually got to bed.

That brings us back to now… Sunday, rest day.

I’ve spent most of the day either sat down, laying down, sleeping and watching tv. However I did manage to sort myself out and do some housework and laundry. That made me my head feel a bit more sorted then it has been.

So I had decided that I just couldn’t go to London on Tues, not on my own… I was meant to be meeting a friend before the workshop. But things have changed now due to crap circumstances but that’s life. So now I’m not meeting my friend cuz bless him he’s not able to now. I was totally freaking out about it and I had a lot of anxiety about it because it’s not somewhere I’ve been before and London is so busy. But I’ve decided to be a big boy and just do it! Even if that means going by myself. I know I will kick myself if I don’t. I’m 30 years old, I can’t have people holding my hand throughout life. So I’m going to do it, I feel nervous but excited about it again.

I’m feeling tired, drained, just totally exhausted. I do feel happy that I’ve decided to go to London for my workshop at the gender clinic. I think I need a bit more rest to recover from everything. I know I can get back up again. I’ll be ok, I always am because I have to be. I have no idea what it is that keeps me going but whatever it is I hope I never lose it πŸ™‚

That’s all for now,

Peace out


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