So I’ve not been around for a while, mainly because I’ve been too tired by the evening to write, but partly because I just haven’t felt like it.
I’ve been really struggling this week, just in my over all life. I’ve struggled with my mind and the gender dysphoria and dissociation from my body and feelings. Also I’ve not been feeling well, I am struggling coming off the steroids, I am just exhausted all the time.
I’ve also had a complete nightmare regarding my little op to have two teeth removed. It was meant to be last week, but now it’s this Thursday and I did have someone to look after me afterwards but now I don’t…again! My family are useless, as I resorted to them to help. But non of them are able too, well not able to stay with me at MY house, I don’t want to be recovering at my nan and grandad’s as they don’t want the dogs there and I would rather be at home with all my babies. But the mothership is picking me up from hospital and staying with me for a bit and then I am on my own. But fuck it, I’ll be ok. I always am because I always have to be. Just reminds me of being 7 years old having my first asthma attack and being left in the children’s ward on my own all night, without my parents. I was ok then and I will be ok now, I’ve always been looking after myself. It just fucks me off that at the end of the day I have not one single person in my life that I can’t rely on 100% because most of my friends have physical/mental health issues or both and I get that and I hold not hate or resentment for that. But most of my friends at least have their family or other friends to support and help them. But as this situation proves I have no one, no family that are supportive in any aspect of my life. I miss my dad so fucking much because I know he would be here in a heartbeat, he would take time off and come down and help me. 4 years this year since he died and not a minute goes by that I wish it wasn’t him that had died. I am so full of anger because of this situation and well the gender dysphoria doesn’t help. But as usual this boy will be fine because I have to be.
Today I don’t really know how I feel other then really tired. I feel lost, I feel really lost but I don’t know why…is this just the gender dypshoria or what? I’m not sure. I’ve managed to do the housework and take the pups out but that’s it. I’ve just had to sit and just be because I’ve not been able to do anything else. Sometimes nothing works other then just sitting and being.
I feel like giving up on my transition, I know this is just a thought and I know that nothing will ever come of this thought but I want it too much. But it feels too hard right now, I hate the gender dysphoria, I just hate feeling so shit all the time. I just want to start testosterone already! Being in this limbo, waiting to get to the gender identity clinic is bullshit! I guess I’m just tired and depressed and just not feeling so good right now. This month is such a stressful month with having my teeth out, having my flu jab, sorting out the paper work for my new disability benefit and the anniversary of dad’s death as well. I just want this month over with.
So yeah that’s me caught up, I’m not doing great but I am trying my best just to keep going and at least pretend like I’m ok and having fun.
Urgh I just feel so fucking shit at the moment. I do have my trans group social tonight and I am still unsure if I feel up for going or not right now. I’m going to have dinner and see how I feel.
Anyway yeah that’s all from me.