I hate my body!

Quick post as it is 10 pm and I don’t think I have much to write…but we will see.

So I’ve had a pretty awesome day but that’s not the main reason for this post.

This morning I did my housework and then met a friend who I did DBT with a few years ago, so that was nice to catch up. We hadn’t met up since early September last year, so it was great to catch up for a few hours. I am going to try really hard to meet up with her more often because she’s really lovely. She was asking me lots of questions about my transition today and that was cool, I’m always happy to answer questions.

I felt a migraine coming on when I got in, so I took my sumatriptan and led on the sofa with the pups and rested for a bit.

H popped over for just over an hour which was nice to see her πŸ™‚ even if it was a brief visit.

I made myself some more cheese biscuits because they are easy to make and they are so nice. This time I used more cheese though πŸ™‚ and it was definitely made it better.

I then made beef stroganoff, which I have never ever made before and I’d never even eaten it until xmas eve. I think I made it pretty well πŸ™‚ it was really nice. I made rice to go with it and I ate it all, put I have enough to freeze 3 portions.

I then did the washing up as I pretty much used every pan and utensil in the entire kitchen lol! So it’s all sorted now, so I don’t have to worry about it tomorrow before group.

Still felt full of energy for some reason, so I took the pups for a short walk down to the water and back through the high street. It was nice to get out even if we did get soaked lol.

Got in had a nice warm shower, put on a load of washing and here I am. Pups are chilling next to me drying off and warming up πŸ™‚

My main reason for this post is my gender dysphoria because today and the last few days it’s been pretty shit.

My stupid body is trying to have a shark week (please google this if you are unsure) Which in itself is stressful but my man boobs are bigger and because I cannot bind, I think they are sticking out more even through my hoodie, I am usually able hide them under my hoodie. At the moment I am very conscious of them and I fucking hate them! like really fucking hate them!

I have also put on like 3lbs so I am 9st and my stomach is bloated. But I feel so fucking fat and horrible because of it! If the weight gain carries on I will be cutting my quetiapine down to 25mgs again!!

I just hate my body so fucking much right now and there is NOTHING I can do about it! URGH! It’s so frustrating.

I am going to try again to find a sports top to help flatten my chest down a bit because the binder is just too much. But I am not holding out much hope that it will make me feel any better.

My appointment for the gender clinic cannot come soon enough! I hope this shark week stops and everything deflates again!

I am so so frustrated with it all and there’s nothing I can do about it. Other then keep doing my DBT skills and self care to keep me stable and safe.

So yeah…that’s how I am feeling right now. I am happy that I’ve had a good day and managed to make myself a meal I’ve never made before. But I am extremely unhappy with my body and how it makes me feel right now.

That’s all for now.

Peace out

Batman

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