Mid week and I am totally wiped out and I don’t really know where to start what to say as usual.
It’s been a pretty busy 3 days and I feel quite overwhelmed with everything. I started out strong on Monday with phone calls etc to sort things out…but yeah now I just have no energy to chase it up and sort things out. Maybe I’ll try again next Monday when I feel up to it, I just can’t right now its all a bit too much.
I had the nurse Mon afternoon and she gave me a nose spray to help clear up my sinuses. She couldn’t print off my prescription, she had to hand write it and when I asked at reception she said it was because they are waiting for my new NHS number 🙂 This makes me well happy, just can’t wait for it to be sorted.
After my counselling on Tuesday I went shopping, I needed a new jeans and shirt for my friends birthday party next week. I got myself some bootcut jeans that gives me a much less scruffy look and a nice shirt. I went to sports direct to again look at sports bra’s and I tried on one, this time I didn’t get stuck in it…last time I tried one on it was a bit of a disaster. Anyway this time it went well and it fit nicely and it flattened my chest well enough that makes me happy.
So I’ll talk a bit about chest binding… Trans guys bind their chests to look more male before they are able to get surgery to remove them. I myself have sensory issues with many different things especially with clothing so for me binding my chest has been extremely difficult. The binders I’ve bought are chunky, thick and the material is just not nice and I would totally over heat in them. So this sports bra is high intensity, so it holds everything down enough to make me look a bit more passable. The material is nice and not too thick and chunky, so I don’t see myself getting any hotter then usual in the summer. Its just as tight as a binder and it is quite hard to breathe with the sports bra on but I can’t get away from that, it needs to be tight in order to flatten my chest down. I can’t wear it all day long though as its not good too. But yeah I’m proper happy now I don’t have to stress about the summer and binding and stuff.
Today I had a few jobs to do and I did do most of them but then it got to lunch time and I just couldn’t go or do another single thing. I just had to sleep, I was so exhausted and in so much pain from head to toe.
I managed to do the housework, laundry, took the pups for a quick wee and run. Then went up to the hospital to drop off a sputum sample and get my bloods done, by the time that was all done I was done.. literally could barely move. When I got home I stripped off and got back into my pjs and got into bed and I slept for nearly 3 hours. I just hope I sleep well tonight as Sun and Mon night I struggled to sleep right through the night, without getting up and down 3-4 times.
I hate sleeping so much in the day and having to rearrange things, just because I’m tired and in pain. I just want a regular life… 😦 I have no choice over this which is the most frustrating part of this stupid invisible illness. I have no control over it either, it just happens to me. I feel like I’m not in control of vessel that I happen to be in.
I could talk forever about how my illnesses effect me because they are a huge part of me and it changes how I live my life. I also hold a lot of anger and resentment towards my illnesses.
How do I feel right now? I’m tired, overwhelmed but I’m ok, just trying to take it easy and go with how my body is feeling. After writing this I’m going to spend some time playing with the pups and cats.
That’s all for right now, got the Bournemouth Mindout group tomorrow and the Weymouth Mindout group on Friday, really looking forward to both groups as always 🙂