Been sat here trying to think about what to write, as right now my head is a reflection of my life, its just totally all over the place and I don’t know where to start.
I was going to write about binding and pain management but I can’t get my thoughts organised at all because I have so much going on in my lil brain! I am desperately trying to figure out what bills can I cut IF I can and what I can sell…just so I can eat for the next fortnight and have electric so I can heat the flat!
I’m kinda glad I lived at the youth hostel, that taught me how to live in a shoe string! How to fight to survive. If that means selling some of my stuff then so be it! If it means getting my sky temporarily cut off or at least to get the basic/cheapest bundle…if that’s possible.
My priorities have shifted somewhat, I now need to only focus on bills, food, rent and electric…Yes they were my priorities before but at least I wasn’t scraping the barrel just to have the basics, least I was able a to treat myself. Now that has gone, I cannot treat myself and that’s an important part of my self care..so I have to now change that.
These rich, elite fucking wankers making all these cuts have NO IDEA at all how they effect the actual people they are doing it too.
The internet is my lifeline, my mobile is my lifeline, I need netflix to watch on the days I am housebound, I need more then 5 tv channels to watch on the days that I am housebound cuz lets face BBC1 BBC2, ITV, CH4 and CH5 have fuck all on the majority of the time! These things I need when I am housebound. I need my phone to make appointments with my doctors etc, I NEED THIS!
I need to be able to put the heating on because its still cold in the evenings and when I am ill I feel the cold much more. Yes I can sit around with jumpers etc on but it still doesn’t take the chill off the place, besides its not the fucking point! I am a person who has complex physical and mental health issues who needs to be able to have a decent quality of life!
I don’t know why I am writing all of this, I suppose because my story needs to get out of there. Although I am not that naive in thinking I am the only one with the story like this, because sadly its not, its happening all up and down the country to millions of people.
Its not right, what they are doing is morally wrong and I honestly don’t know how these people can sleep peacefully at night knowing that people like me have killed themselves because they were deemed fit to work, knowing that millions of families are living below the poverty line despite working hard to support their families. YES the benefits needed to be reformed because people were abusing it BUT those who are actually ill are being told they are fit for work and having their money cut all over the place are the ones that are being penalised the most, those who aren’t actually ill can just go get a job. But those who are chronically ill cannot just got get a job, cutting money is not a fucking incentive to work, if anything it has the total opposite effect. If you are even more ill because you cannot heat your place, that’s IF you can even still afford rent, if you cannot afford to eat, if you cannot sleep properly because of the stress about worrying about where your next meal is coming from, if you are depressed because you’ve spent every evening sat in the dark, cold and the quiet, these things DO NOT equate to a functional human! let alone a happy human. Its a joke!
I can write any more because well honestly it is making me so angry and I need to reserve this energy to fight my way through this next fortnight. It is what it is and I can’t change that right now. But what I can do is make phone calls and just get through this! I’ve been through far worse and I can get through this bullshit!
I did have something else to write about, an incident that happened yesterday that caused me to have a flashback, which unsettled me for half the day, which I had to work hard to settle myself again. But I don’t have the energy to write any more, I need to get myself to bed.