Just one big vicious circle….

Ah what to write that is not along the same lines as what I have been writing so far this year and well last year… My life ladies and gentlemen is one HUGE vicious circle that I cannot stop and I fucking HATE! I don’t want to be in this circle any more! I want it to end NOW! 😦

Enough said right there ^^

I’m just SO over this all. Yet AGAIN I am on antibiotics for ANOTHER fucking sinus infection! Like I don’t suffer enough without this bs going on. Oh and I had a full on nose bleed last night..yeah it woke me up for like an hour :/ but felt much longer as all I wanted to do was sleep. Nose bleeds for me are a warning sign that something is wrong not that the Dr that saw me gave a fuck about anything I had to say, she just wanted to get me out the office and done with..

I am so sick of this fucking situation, I just want a break. Tomorrow I get to spend the day chasing people up and sorting shit out…Oh I cannot wait to do that! NOT! That in itself takes some much energy and emotional stress. I definitely need a secretary! I also need a sugar mumma Tongue Out that would make all this MUCH easier..but alas that is just a dream.

My life is right now is, antibiotics, other pills, chronic illness, chronic pain, low mood, benefits, phone calls, appointments, money worries…and it just goes around in a circle, the antibiotics finish and soon after the sinus infection comes right back again. I’m so sick of thinking about it, sick of this being my life! and as I am sat here writing this my nose is bleeding again..ffs! At least its not a heavy one but its still not a good sign, definitely think I am having a flare up right now.

I had to miss group again today, one because I had the doctors this morning and two because I just felt too ill to go anywhere. But I did get a call from My health My way, which is like a support place for people like me with chronic health issues. The lady was asking me for more details about me and my situation and said someone will contact me again, so that’s good. I hate missing group so much as its a lifeline of support and its not on next week due to annual staff leave..ah such bad timing but it is what it is I suppose.

Right now I am struggling to see any positivity or any hope that things will get better, or that I will get better. Its hard to keep my mood on a level as I’m standing on the edge of that black hole, my feet right over the edge, I have nothing to grab onto to stop me from falling in.

If my life were to be put on the scales then they would certainly look unbalanced and almost ready to topple over, I need something to help re-balance everything, but I don’t know what that would be or even look like. Everything just looks so bleak and black, like the colour has been drained out of my life. I certainly feel that if I were a colour I’d be black, mainly because that’s how I feel and because good days are extremely rare. Good days look like bright, colourful and happy, like purple, yellow, pink, orange, blue and other such wonderful colours, I miss good days, I hope I get one again soon.

I tried not to write about the same BS over and over but..well unfortunately my life is fucking BS right now and I have nothing else to talk about 😦

How do I feel right now? I feel tired, my body aches so much and I feel a bit low and empty.

I’m so glad I have the unconditional love of my 4 beautiful fur babies ❤

 and a picture of me 🙂

Peace out

Batman

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