Its been a week since I updated last and that’s mainly because I haven’t done much and I haven’t been feeling quite myself either, I’ve been feeling a bit empty and lost, something I haven’t felt for a while.
I’m finding it hard to think of anything to write about as like I’ve said I’ve not done much and my mood has been pretty low. I hate feeling empty and lost but I don’t even know what’s caused this, which is even worse because I don’t know how to fix it.
I hate my body right now because my man boobs are so swollen and sore, reminding me I am genetically female.. yeah like I need a reminder. I don’t know why they are, I am hoping it stops soon because this is not helping at all. I have been disassociating from my body way too much but it helps me cope with the gender dysphoria but long term it makes me disconnect from my whole self, which is possibly why I’ve been feeling empty and lost. I’m going to do some meditation before bed tonight just to ground myself and see if that helps.
Isolation hasn’t helped with how I’ve been feeling, I’ve seen like 4 people in 2 weeks. First it started out with just needing a bit of time out and then I got ill so I had isolation forced upon me, as I felt too ill to go anywhere and it just got worse from there. I’ve literally been spending my days waking up and then waiting for bed time again with the middle part being incredibly bored.
I have had to good days out this week thanks to my bro, he’s such a good brother. On Tues we went for a drive with the pups and stopped at a few places so they could go run around, which they loved. Scrappy did loads of swimming about and getting muddy lol and Foxy kept sitting in the pushchair with Leo. On Fri he took me to Monkey world for the day and that was awesome fun, I love it there. We had a little drive on the way home which was nice. It’s taken me 2 days to recover though, I slept for 13 hours Fri night and didn’t wake up still gone 1pm Saturday afternoon, haven’t slept that long in ages and today I’ve struggled to stay awake because all I’ve wanted to do is sleep. Think I am over the worst of it now, feeling much less drowsy. On these two days my mood was much better because I was occupied and not alone.
Next week I am pretty booked up and busy, which is good. It means I have to get out and about at a reasonable time and do stuff and be social. Hopefully it will help me to feel myself again. Its such a weird feeling not feeling myself but I can’t really explain it either, its just weird.
I so don’t want to take the pups out tonight, its raining so hard out! It has been for most of the day. Thought it was meant to be spring! haha, typical British weather.
Really don’t have much else to say…my mind has gone blank and well there’s nothing much in there anyway lol. So I shall wrap this up for now and hopefully I’ll have something more interesting to write about soon.