Catching up again – Staying afloat

Once again its been about a month since I’ve written anything, it feels much longer though. I am going to try and write more regularly this month and hopefully I’ll get back into the swing of it again. I really enjoy writing and I’ve missed it but I haven’t had much to blog about really as nothing much has changed, I’m kinda just stuck right now, nothing has really changed, nothing has moved forward, I’m just still waiting and its all out of my hands, there’s nothing I can do. Its frustrating but it is what it is I suppose.

I’ll get the B word out of the way… Benefits, PIP. I am still waiting for a court date and it should be around September when I get an appointment through. So that’s that… this has been going on since, September 2015! I am absolutely disgusted by this entire process and to know I am not the only one going through this makes it worse, because I know I am strong enough to deal with whatever life throws at me, but there are those that aren’t as strong and have killed themselves as a result of being deemed fit to work. My heart hurts for those people… I’ll end it there or I will just keep writing.

So gender clinic and gender stuff – I wrote Charing Cross a letter with my new NHS number and I asked if I was going to be seen soon. I’ve not heard anything back yet..that doesn’t overly surprise me. My referral was done last July and the then waiting list was 13months so I will hopefully get an appointment next month! Fingers, toes and tits crossed everyone!

I have totally given up on binding, I simply can’t do it. I’ve tried 2 different brands of binders and a high intensity sports bra, they all worked great but I can’t deal with how they feel, the tightness, the material, the fact they make me hot and they hurt. It’s all just too much and I can’t deal with it, it makes me feel weird just writing about it. It fucking sucks! It makes me feel like shit, just a daily reminder that I’m not even close to being who I feel on the inside. While I am out and on the phone, I get misgendered and it feels like being stabbed in the heart, it makes me not want to go out and do things, it makes so fucking self conscious. I already have anxiety about talking on the phone but this makes it even fucking worse. I feel safe at home and I’ve noticed this year I haven’t done half of the things I did by this time last year. Most of this is down to my physical health being awful but even on the days I feel well, I just don’t want to go out and face the world because the world doesn’t see me the way I feel inside and its hard. So I have been hiding away more then I usually do and if I do go out, its with people I feel safe with and to places I feel safe to go. I get more excited at the prospect of staying in and doing my own thing then going out and doing stuff… But it is a fine balance of staying at home feeling safe and completely isolating myself, which is difficult. I think staying in and feeling safe is the most important thing for my mental health at the moment, I need to keep myself safe.

Physical health stuff – I saw my Thoracic medicine doc last month and he’s happy with my breathing test results, as they have remained unchanged for a long time, so he’s discharged me. But I can be referred back if I need to be. I am happy with this, its one less appointment to go too. He looked at my CT scan of my sinuses and my left side is so inflamed and the inflammation is just less then a inch from behind my eye, which explains why I get a lot of headaches and why that side of my head always hurts so much. I see my ENT doc this month, so I will be able to discuss more with him about my awful sinus pain etc and hopefully we’ll be able to come up with something that will be able to help it. I don’t even know what the options would be to make this better, right now I’d say yes to whatever he suggests.

The Gabapentin is going well, I have put on 10lbs which really bothered me at first but I don’t care anymore. I have gone past the stage of feeling the need to eat all the time, so my appetite has returned to being somewhat normal again. I am sure the weight will fall back off again. Coming off the Tramadol is going well, I am now down to 5 tablets a day down from 8 a day. It’s been really hard, as it caused insomnia the start with and it made me clench my jaw so hard it gave me migraines. That’s all starting to get better now, the insomnia is a lot better. I’m not waking up several times a night and I am actually sleeping right through, I am loving being able to sleep all night again. The jaw thing is ok now most days but if I don’t take my Tramadol right on time, then I really start clenching my jaw and it hurts so bad but its out of my control, I try and stop doing it when I notice it happening but it doesn’t work. Overall I am pretty happy with how this med change has gone so far and I am hoping that the Gabapentin continues to work well on its own.

The practice manager at my doctors surgery is still on the case to get hold of my notes, from the mythical place they go to when you change your gender lol. I hope this is sorted soon.

My knee has been alright since the steroid injection and I think the Gabapentin has helped as well. My over all pain levels have been far more manageable on the Gabapentin, well as long as I’m not doing a lot.. As soon as I do “normal” daily life stuff and social stuff, I ache a lot and the fatigue kicks in.

So that’s me really, still feel like an anxious, emotional wreck. I don’t know how I keep going but I do, somehow. I just keep trying to find the little bits of positivity in every day and every situation I come across.

I’ll wrap this up now,

I’ll try post again soon.

Peace out

Batman

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