Just a little over a week since I last posted and I feel like I need to write tonight, it maybe a quick one though as I’m quite tired and achy today.
More news on the benefits front, I got a letter on Friday for an appointment for a face to face assessment, it didn’t specify what benefit it was for but I am assuming its for ESA, I’ve yet to ring up and confirm. I keep putting it off as I hate making phone calls but I will try my best to do it in the morning. The assessment is next Thursday, which means I miss yet another group session, I didn’t manage to make it to one Mindout group last month and it sucked so much because I really needed the support. I also need to find a lift there and back to the assessment as I don’t know exactly how to get there by myself, so that’s another hurdle. If I still had my PIP then I could get a taxi there and back no worries! But yeah… it is what it is. I just hope it goes better then the PIP assessment did.
I’m now down to 4 Tramadol’s a day, which is half of what I was on. I am so chuffed I’ve been able to do this at my own pace without too many issues. The insomnia and the jaw clenching has stopped now, which is such a relief. The Gabapentin is helping, although the last few days I’ve been really achy but I think that’s because the weather has been a bit damp.
I’ve put on about a stone in weight because of the Gabapentin, it made me crave sugar and carbs and then I couldn’t stop binge eating sugary things. It was nice for a while to be able to eat without stressing about it like I was before hand but the weight gain is NOT good for the gender dysphoria as the weight has gone straight to my stomach and moobs (manboobs) The cravings have curbed a bit and I am really trying to be more mindful of what I put into my body, its really hard but this weight needs to come off! I’ve also not been as active as I would like but I’m struggling energy wise at the moment, just doing the housework is enough to exhaust me, its so freaking frustrating. I’m trying to pace myself and do what I can when I can and I’m trying hard not to berate myself and give myself a hard time about it but its so flipping hard, especially when my inner critic just won’t shut the fuck up! This is where I try and change the automatic thoughts and flip them around, it does mean I have to stop and think about what I am doing/thinking and then change accordingly, which in itself is hard work but I have noticed I’ve not been as hard on myself as I usually am.
Tonight I made a proper decent meal for the first time in a while and I made cottage pie and I used chopped frozen onion and garlic, which I’ve never used before but it was recommended to me by a friend. I literally have NO idea why I’ve not tried this before! it made cooking so much easier and it was much less energy zapping as there was less cutting and chopping to do. I will definitely look into other foods that are frozen that I often use to cook with. Its less fuss, less mess and no wastage and works out cheaper too. I’m starting to try and make my life easier rather then carry on as I’ve always done. Doesn’t mean I’m failing it just means I need to do things differently and that’s a really hard thing to accept but essential for me to be able to have a decent quality of life.
My lil Foxy got spayed yesterday and I was so nervous for her but she’s been absolutely fine. She’s been sleeping a lot today but I think she’s needed it. I’m glad I’ve finally got her done, its one thing I don’t have to worry about anymore. She’s got a check up tomorrow afternoon, so I’m hoping that they will say she’s healing perfectly.
Having her spayed had really helped me in a odd way, recently I’ve been feeling really angry, easily irritable and frustrated and having Fox to look after and care for has made me feel much calmer which in turn has made me feel a bit happier then I have been. I don’t like feeling so angry all the time, so its nice to have a break from the negative emotions.
Ooh I nearly forgot to mention gay pride! It was the weekend just gone and I just went on the Saturday with L and Harvey. It was a really great day, we had so much fun. We watched the parade go by and then we went down to the gardens and had had a look around all the stools, then for the rest of the afternoon we stayed at the Mindout stand and I helped out talking to lots of people about our groups. It was great and I can’t wait for next year 🙂
That’s all from me, for now as I want to game for a bit tonight.