A month ago since I last posted and I was attempting to write more regularly but life and my poor mental health has kinda got in the way and to be honest I don’t remember a lot of the past month. I know I’ve had a few good days with friends and my brother but the rest of the time has been pretty dark. I recently spoke out loud to someone about how I’ve been feeling so yeah now its like real so I can and need to talk about it.
So I suppose I’ll quickly update about benefits and stuff..
Tomorrow is my ESA face to face assessment, so not looking forward to it but luckily I have someone coming with me. But I am still super fucking nervous, although I have heard ESA isn’t as hard to get as PIP.
I have my PIP tribunal on 23rd of this month.. which I am really not fucking looking forward too! proper freaking out! But again I have an awesome friend who is coming down especially to come with me. He is awesome.
I had a letter yesterday to say my bus pass will run out in a months time and if my PIP isn’t sorted by then, then I will be unable to renew it and I won’t be able to get to any groups or appointments. But I have emailed my OT about getting a social services blue card so I will always be eligible for a bus pass. Definitely not a stress I need right now.
Health hasn’t been great, had a sinus infection which went to my chest and out of hours and a&e wouldn’t help me… which they usually do! So ended up waiting to see my GP and he gave me a steroid injection in my bum and it made me feel so much better, energy wise anyway as I literally had no energy to get out of bed. My referral to Southampton has been sent! So I am mega happy about that and cannot wait to be seen by someone who’s got a clue how to treat me and will actually fucking listen.
I am off Tramadol altogether now which is great but the Gabapentin has caused me to gain a stone in weight, which has gone to the places I want it the least, my chest, stomach and hips and because I’ve not been well, I’ve not been able to get out and exercise and because my moods been low I’ve been binge eating… which makes me feel even fucking worse.
That brings me to the my mental health.. Well its not been fucking pretty I can say that for sure.
I thought I was doing ok but only because I was keeping my true feelings inside and not really being true to myself and probably lack of insight as well didn’t help. But I’ve not been well for months, I’m just an expert at hiding it well.
In Oct when I had a bit of a manic episode due to lack of sleep, it did take a few weeks to recover but then I think I was doing ok, from what I remember. (memory at the moment is so poor) I was fairly stable and coping with everything ok.
When my money first got cut in Feb, I was like ok this is fine, I’ll cut the bills where I can, change my outgoings where I am able to etc and I will just make it work and that was ok for a bit.
As time went on it got harder and harder, my physical health got worse, I was more isolated then I ever have been before and my mood became lower and harder for me to control.
So right now I am in a place where I am struggling to stay or be grounded because I keep disassociating all the time, to the point that I am losing hours of time just by sat staring into space, so if I have an appointment I have to set like 6 alarms just so I get out of the house on time but usually once I’ve had a shower and I’m back in my body again then its not too bad. But its so fucking difficult to deal with on a daily basis, its so fucking draining.
That I can sort of deal with though but what I am finding harder to deal with is the depression, the suicidal thoughts which are fairly fucking regular and the self harm thoughts, which are so strong and I’ve gone as far as going to the shop to buy razor blades, I did manage to walk out without any but that took every little bit of strength I had left that day and its something I think about doing every day because nothing is giving me the release I need! Even writing about it my whole body is just itching to do it! Trouble is at this point I wouldn’t be in control of it or myself…I probably wouldn’t want to stop once I started either.
So yeah right now I am in a really fucking dark place and I cannot get out of this myself, only medication will help and I refuse to up the Quetiapine! So will ring the mental health team for an appointment to see if I can try Lamotrigine as that is a non weight gaining medication. I really don’t want to as I feel like its going backwards once again.
I feel so helpless, fucking useless, hopeless and like I really don’t give a fuck anymore and for me feeling like this is not good, especially with the disassociation, that’s when really bad things happen because I am not aware and I am not in control.
It’s a scary place to be, I used to love feeling out of control because that’s all I knew for all my life, then I got well and I liked that even more because I felt some level of security in that.
Just hope my psych can see me this week..