I’ve not sat at the laptop at this time of night for a long time but I feel that I probably won’t sleep well tonight, I didn’t last night so pretty pointless in going to bed just yet. I still have adrenaline running through me, I feel agitated, somewhat anxious and generally just fucking shit.
I’m going to start with the poem that I quickly jotted down last night before bed,
I was trying so hard not to fall into the darkness, that I didn’t notice I was already there.
Deeper and darker then ever before
Scrambling around trying to figure out who I am, where I am and how the hell I get back out.
Soon enough the calmness comes, knowing if I want to get out I have to fight some how or accept that this is where I am for now.
Am I scared? Yes
Do I want to fight? No
Will I? Maybe
The darkness makes me forget things, it disconnects me from myself and its plays tricks on me
I am no longer in control, the darkness is and it wants to keep me here.
So yeah, that’s pretty much how I was/am feeling. To say today was ok would be a lie, it was pretty crap but its no ones fault its just how it is right now. I am just so filled with darkness, it has pretty much swallowed me whole and there’s nothing I can do about it.
This is the poem I wrote this evening after succumbing to my darkness
My dark passenger took control tonight
I had no energy or will to fight him
So I cut my skin and watched the blood run down
The relief is short and sweet
I want to do it again and again and again and just not stop
It’s who I am, he’s apart of me and I like it.
Do I feel better for cutting? A bit
Will I do it again? Possibly
Am I beating myself up about it? No, usually I would but I am at the point where I don’t give at fuck about anything right now, so yeah I cut and what?!
I feel very defensive and shut down because I am trying to protect myself from further hurt, stress and whatever.
Don’t really know what else to say, there’s nothing else to say really.