I don’t usually write in between my weekly posts but I just needed to write tonight to get everything out of my spinning brain. I struggle admitting how I feel because I don’t like to feel so raw and vulnerable but I suppose in order to move forward the first step is actually admitting that you’re struggling and that you need extra support, so yeah this post will be the raw, vulnerable version of me.
My mood is so low that I have the constant feeling of dread in my chest, I almost just want to collapse into myself and just disappear and not exist anymore, though its a different feeling from being suicidal, I don’t want to die, I just want to disappear. Its hard to explain how its different.
Everything just feels overwhelming and just doing small things takes huge effort and energy in order to just complete small tasks, say like brushing my teeth. Even just thinking about it feels too much and feels its just impossible, even though rationally I know its just a simple every day thing.
I feel almost paralysed by the depression, I have to will myself to move to do anything and its exhausting. I just want to curl up and stop existing to end this pain that I feel inside, its almost like a physical pain that I just can’t get rid of, nothing works, nothing helps. I can’t even explain this pain, I don’t know what it is, it just hurts, so much. I can feel it coursing through all of me and its so uncomfortable.
Sometimes I feel like I’m watching over myself doing things, I’m not really here grounded in reality, just floating around in a endless void. Looking at things that I know I should recognise but I just don’t. I just don’t feel like I’m here, like any of this is real, which impacts the depression because everything seems pointless.
Overwhelming urges to self harm just to get rid of this pain inside, I don’t want to do it and I know the release will be short, but right now any release would be welcomed. But my rational mind knows its not the best thing to do.
I don’t know what to do to help myself.
I know this will pass, it has too.
I know that having to make a new claim for PIP was the tipping point for all this, last time it was such a traumatic experience and it was only a year ago that it was all finally over. I’ve only just recovered from the experience of it all and the thought of doing it all over again, makes me just not want to be here because I just can’t do all that again.
My whole existence is about to come under intense scrutiny again, I’ll be talked to like I’m lying, I’ll be treated as though I’ve committed a crime. This is how the UK government are treating those of us who are most vulnerable.
I already carry so much guilt for my life being the way it is, I feel guilty for being ill with a chronic illness, I feel guilty for having a mental health problem, I feel guilty for being transgender, I feel guilty for not being able to work, most of the time I just feel guilty for even being alive. But that’s made worse by the benefits system, even though I know I am ill and not fit for employment, I still feel like I should be trying more.. I don’t now. I wish I wasn’t ill, I hate it.
I think I spilled my guts out enough for tonight. Usually writing helps me feel a bit better but not tonight. It’s just good to get it all out though I suppose.