I wrote this last night, in notes on my phone, just before I feel asleep, its a snapshot of how I was feeling at the time. I actually slept really well and slept for about 11 hours, so maybe writing before I slept helped calm me down. I haven’t checked in with how I’m feeling right now because I don’t want to connect with it.
Laying in bed with the feeling of dread in my chest.
I don’t want to be dead I just don’t want to exist.
Trying so hard to step out of this darkness but it just sucks me straight back in, its overwhelming, overbearing. Too powerful and strong, or am I just too weak and feeble.
Everything feels so difficult and pointless, such a cliche for depression but so true.
At home on my own I don’t have to pretend to be keeping it all together, I still pretend because if I break, I won’t be able to put myself back together, not again.
I hurt inside but I don’t know what it is, I can’t even describe how it feels, it just hurts.
Today’s activities just seem like a dream, like someone else did all that.. it doesn’t feel real.
I feel lost floating around in this black void and I can’t find anything to grab onto.
It’s hard looking back on what I wrote, it feels so dark. It feels like someone else wrote it, even though I know it was me. Maybe I don’t want it to be..
I’ve been thinking I probably need to share some of this with a professional. As soon as I walk into any doctors office I don’t remember anything and I can’t verbalise what I really need to say, so I don’t really say anything and they don’t get a true representation of what’s actually going on… its really frustrating but its hard to go to every appointment to tell somehow how you feel. It makes me feel vulnerable and to do that every appointment is exhausting.
Maybe I’ll print this out and make a docs app, I’ll think about it anyway.