When people ask me how I am, my default answer is “I’m alright” and its mainly because I don’t want to keep talking about how I feel because its just the same. It gets soul destroying having to say how I really feel.
Truth is at the moment I am really struggling and I don’t let people see it because I don’t like feeling vulnerable, especially in front of people. I don’t think I have anyone that I would let myself feel truly vulnerable in front of and that’s not about the people in my life, this is just me I think.
I just feel like a big twisted up mess on the inside and I have no idea how to fix it, or even where to start. I remember writing a few weeks back that I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to exist anymore and I still feel like that. Everything feels hard and overwhelming, but I don’t really know what I need. I know I don’t want my meds upped because I feel like I need to feel this to be able to work through it. I don’t want to me numb to it, even though its hard.
I don’t know if I can unpick this mess myself because I don’t really know what it is I feel. I suppose I feel lost, sad, depressed, unloved and unlovable, I feel as though I am a difficult person to be around, that no one wants to be around me… the same old negative narrative that was drummed into me by people that have been in my life in the past.
The feeling of dread is back, the dread of having to be around people and put the happy mask on and be ok. I hate acting, I’m good at it, I’ve had to be but its not something I like doing. On the flip side to that I don’t like people knowing or seeing how I really feel… so I’m stuck. What am I meant to do?!
I don’t know what I need to do in order to move forward or get rid of this feeling.