I thought I’d post something that’s kind of a transition update but it’s also something that effects every aspect of my life.
It’s something I’ve been thinking about for the last few weeks, as here in the UK it’s been hot for more then 3 days! And whilst I’ve had days where I’ve been able to cope well with anxiety, dysphoria and disassociation and I’ve been able to have a good time, there’s been other days where it’s been incredibly hard to deal with and this is where self acceptance comes in.
So here it is…. (written whilst sat on a bus lol)
In my transition I’m finding it’s really hard to accept where I am and what I’ve missed out on living in the gender I knew I was always meant too and the fact I’ll never get those times back
I suppose it’s a kind of loss, a loss for a life you never had or could of had and what life may have been like if only I were born male.
It’s hard to accept my body as it is because I’m so desperate to look how I think I should look. It’s hard to accept the parts of my body that I absolutely hate.
I look at other men, all ages, shapes and sizes and just wish my body looked the same.
It’s ironic though living my life as my authentic self yet still craving to be someone other then myself.
I always thought I was good with dealing with change and good at accepting things as they are especially if I’m powerless to change whatever is it. But this transition has showed me I have a lot more to learn about acceptance, especially self acceptance and a lot more to learn about myself.
I want to get to the point where I feel comfortable and feel confident with how my body looks, yes surgery will ease things but I still need to learn to love, accept and respect myself and my body no matter what stage of the transition I am in, after all the relationship with myself and my body is life long and if I’m feeling happy, comfortable and confident then that will shine through the other aspects of my life and make life a bit easier.
I’m not sure I’ll ever achieve complete acceptance of self but I’d be happy just to feel at peace with myself, instead of this constant war between self and body.