I feel like I’m stuck in limbo, everything feels suspended in space. Just hanging around in this skin that doesn’t feel like my own.
This body doesn’t feel like it’s mine, it’s just doesn’t fit.
I know I’m on the journey to change all that, I’m 11 months on testosterone now. But the changes seem slow and small.
Maybe I’m not looking at the bigger picture and only focusing on the things that testosterone alone can’t change.
I just feel so frustrated, I just want to feel comfortable in my skin.
I know I need to accept where I am in my journey and I know I need to appreciate how far I’ve come. But it’s hard to do when things don’t feel right and the mismatch between brain and body is all messed up.
The conflict between brain and body, feels like a never ending battle. I just want to feel happy and comfortable.
This never ending heat isn’t helping, when it’s cold I can wear jeans, t-shirt and a hoodie, I feel comfortable but in this heat I’m having to wear shorts all the time and a vest top and chest binder which makes me feel really vulnerable and exposed all the time.
I need to take some time where I’m just at home a few days a week where I feel a bit more comfortable and I can just be without feeling judged and stared at. It will maybe help me deal with the gender dysphoria and then when I do go out I’ll feel less drained and stressed out and I can actually enjoy my time outside with my favourite people.
I just want to feel happy without the stress of the dysphoria. I don’t like feeling sad and upset but it’s not entirely in my control.
I hate feeling disconnected and disassociated, because I feel stuck inside my head and I can’t get out. I can’t communicate properly, I can’t get anything out of my head. I feel so much and I need to get it out but I just can’t. It feels so overwhelming. It’s so frustrating and I know it’s difficult for those around me.
I just want to feel like me, I want to feel at peace, I want to feel happy.
Acceptance is the key, I’m still a work in progress. I’m trying to accept myself as I am, I’m trying to like myself as I am.
I’m trying really hard, some days I win some days I don’t. But I won’t stop trying, I can promise that.
Category: agitated, anxiety, depression, disassociation, fed up, gender dysphoria, gender identity, my life, self care, testosterone, transboy, transgender, transitionTags: authentic self, chest binding, depression, disassociation, disconnected, exposed, frustrated, gender dysphoria, gender identity, I’m trying, mental health, overwhelming, sad, self care, summer time, testosterone, trans guy, transgender, transition, vulnerable