My previous post was written whilst I was on the bus, I took myself on a date night. I needed to get out as I was just sat at home, stuff running through my head and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I decided that it would be good to get out for a bit, I looked up what was on at the cinema and took myself to see Mary Poppins returns and had a burger for dinner.
That afternoon I had posted some keys back to a person who I was planning on cutting out of my life, that felt good but still didn’t feel enough.
On the way to the cinema, I wrote because it was all sat under the surface and it all came tumbling out into words and I felt so much better for it, like I said in the previous post, I needed to vomit it out and purge myself from all this shit I was holding in.
I don’t know why I stop doing the things I know that help me to feel better. Some of it I suppose is self sabotage and partly being disconnected and disassociated from myself. If I’m not connected to myself it makes it harder to know what I need.
After the film, I went onto every social media I am on and blocked 2 people from everything, I even blocked them so they can no longer text or call me. I did it without explanation, as I felt no need to explain my actions to people who are committed to misunderstanding me. It felt like such a huge relief and also a bit scary too, but definitely more of a relief then anything else.
I’ve wanted to cut these two people out for while now but because I am so lonely and isolated, I’ve just been holding on to these toxic people for longer then I should have, due to fear of being lonely… which in itself is ironic as I was lonely anyway, so this won’t make any difference.
It’s always scary cutting people out of your life but I’m hoping if I keep letting go of all the bad/toxic things in my life then I will start attracting more positive things into my life.
It can only get better now right?! I have to be strong and resit the urge to contact these people and explain myself and or apologise. Neither deserve and explanation or an apology and I don’t need to explain my actions to anyone. As long as my heart is right that’s all that matters.
For too long I’ve held onto friendships/relationships that are toxic for fear of being alone but I end up feeling and being alone anyway, so I’m not sure why I held on for so long. I refuse to do it anymore, I refuse to be used, I refuse to be put down, I refuse to be dragged into pointless drama, I refuse to be dragged down. I am worth so much more, I deserve to be treated so much better, I need to find my peace and feel content.
I’ve done a lot of purging this week, I went through everything in my flat and I have so much I want to sell. There’s so much shit I’ve collected over the past 11 years and now it all just feels too much and I want it all gone.
A lot of it holds bad memories, bad energies and just no longer serves me. There was a time I collected Lego, putting Lego together helped me to relax, unwind and be in the moment and at that time it had a purpose and worked for me, but I haven’t played with my Lego for about a year. It was just all sitting around and it just looked cluttered. That’s one example and it feels great to start getting rid of stuff and at least having a lot of it out of sight.
I’m changing as a person and its not always comfortable or easy, most of the time its really uncomfortable and fucking hard but at the same time it feels great and it feels right, which is how I know I’m on the right path.
I’m anxious to do a carboot sale to get rid of everything, I have a couple of people that may help, I feel a bit restless as I want it all out of my flat like right now, so I can feel that release. But I have to try and be patient.
Anyway I’m rambling on a bit now, as I am exhausted. I have been all day, not sure why.
That’s all for now,
Category: anxiety, chronic fatigue, depression, disassociation, facing fears, fatigue, friends, my life, self care, spiritual journey, spiritualityTags: bad energies, bad memories, changing, chronic fatigue, cinema, clutter, cutting people out, date night, de cluttered, disassociation, disconnected, holding on, loneliness, purge, relief, scary, self care, social media, toxic people, toxicity, uncomfortable