Toxicity purge – Update

I thought I’d do an update with how things have been going since I decided to change things, cut people out of my life etc.

First thing I want to say is that is has been incredibly difficult part of my journey but its been really freeing and I’ve learnt so much about myself. I feel this part of my journey has been really important.

It’s been a pretty dark time, where at times I’ve really struggled to keep going and I’ve just wanted to give up but somehow I’m still going, still trying my best.

About 4 weeks ago I removed everyone off Facebook and only been using FB for the group I run. I originally planned to post stuff to my timeline so I can use it as a diary but I’ve not done that as much as I thought I would. I can honestly say its the best decision I’ve made. I can’t really explain why, I suppose I don’t have that pressure of being watched and judged by people. I feel more free, I can just be me.

I wrote a public post saying what I was doing and people know how to get hold of me and unsurprisingly no one contacted me and this is precisely the reason I did it. I was fed up with all the fakeness of it all and the fact that every friendship I have I was the one keeping it afloat, I was the one to always message first and arrange stuff. I refuse to do it anymore, it has to be equal or I’m not interested anymore. I don’t think I’m setting standards to high I am just beginning to value and respect myself enough to say I deserve better from friendships and relationships in my life.

Some people don’t want you to change and realise your value because it makes them look at their own poor behaviour. I think that’s what happened with the people that blocked me. I still haven’t heard anything, but that’s ok. I’ve forgiven them not for them but for me, being angry won’t hurt the other person, it only poisons yourself. I don’t hold any hate towards anyone who’s hurt me or hasn’t put in equal effort into friendships, because everyone is dealing with their own journey and everyone is at different places in their journey. I think I’ve out grown a lot of people in my life, last year has shown me exactly what I want and now that’s what I’m aiming for. I just wont settle for less anymore.

It’s been a pretty lonely time, cutting out people isn’t easy but I’ve learned to love my own company, I thought I was already comfortable in my own company but clearly not as much as I thought.

I’ve spent a lot of time walking the dogs, when the weather has been nice, listening to podcasts, reading, teaching scrappy new tricks, volunteering at the cat cafe and going to the cinema.

There has been a few people I’ve met up with over the last 4 weeks which has been nice, so I’m not totally isolated and friendless, I do still have a handful of friends that I appreciate and aren’t one sided friendships.

Overall I’m doing pretty well right now, I’m feeling pretty good. Its not easy but I’m just trying to trust the process and enjoy the ride and looking forward to what this road brings in the next few months.

Peace out

Zak

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