The disassociation spectrum

Recently I’ve really been struggling with disassociation and just being in the moment. I think it’s mostly due to gender dysphoria, but partly due to recent bouts of insomnia, depression and chronic fatigue.

However I’ve discovered a way to help me stay in the moment and bit more and spend less time off in my own little world.

I’ve been writing out a daily schedule, I say daily I mean for the days I need to get things done. Also it’s not absolute, if I wake up and I still feel exhausted then that’s ok and I do what I’m physically capable of and do the rest another day.

The point is that having a written schedule gives me a purpose for that day and helps me stay focused. Whereas if I’m a bit directionless then that’s when the disassociation just completely takes over and I no longer feel I’m in control and often feel like I’m no longer even in my own body, I’m floating above watching the shell of me just floating around not really doing anything.

I’ve connected the fact that with long periods of disassociation my memory just disappears and I struggle to recall anything and often forget what I was saying mid sentence and even what I was doing mid thought and it’s so bloody frustrating. I decided to see if temporary memory issues are connected to disassociation and turns out it is! It’s called dissociative amnesia, which for me makes so much sense!

There’s no medication for disassociation but just having an awareness of it and having the skills in place to help deal with it makes things easier.

I can loose chunks of time just by sitting staring into space, I often find it difficult to get organised enough to get out on time, which is something I’m usually hot on as I hate being late.

Chronic fatigue definitely makes it easier to slip off into my own world. But on days like that I try and take it easy and not beat myself up too much.

I struggle with disassociation, derealisation, depersonalisation and dissociative amnesia. Along with everything else lol! But as with everything I’m dealing, I’ve found things that help and have stuff in place which is positive.

Peace out

Zak

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