Still here

Again I’ve not written for a few months for various reasons. One being that I’ve not really been present, I’ve been disconnected and just in my own little world lately.

The other reason is I often don’t feel like I have anything new to say or anything different to offer anyone. I’m not one for “content” and all that stuff. I’ve always blogged for me and part of me does want to be able to make a living from writing, whether that be blogging or whatever. But I always think I’m not good enough at anything, so I don’t try. If you don’t try you can’t fail right? But either way doesn’t make me feel good…

I have been writing a lot, but I’ve just not published anything. I have loads of blogs I’ve planned to do but just didn’t do it. Like 18 months on testosterone update, I just didn’t do it, which is sad for me because I enjoy writing and blogging.

It all goes back to zero self esteem and I’ve just been dealing with a lot too.

Back in January I was just so angry, so frustrated, so depressed that I just shut everybody out, I was just done. I’d had enough and to start with it was really hard being so lonely but I tried to make the best of it like I do with everything and some days we’re really good but ultimately I was still really lonely. I’ve realised I can’t push everyone away, so I’ve added a few people back on fb, reached out to others.

It’s still really hard and uncomfortable and I still feel so fed up with always reaching out and not getting much back, but any rejection is hard to deal with and I suppose it’s something I gotta work on and deal with.

I still feel very much like an outsider, I’m not one of these people who opens up easily to others, I don’t like to insert myself into people’s life, mainly because I don’t feel like I’m wanted… there’s that low self esteem again 😔 maybe I’ll always been an outsider, maybe one day I’ll find my tribe. I dunno.

I need to try learn to take compliments too, I’ve had a few recently and it makes me feel so uncomfortable, it makes me feel really cringy and weird and I always just think people say nice stuff cuz they have too, I always doubt it’s sincerity. It’s not something I’ve ever been good at, I tend to just deflect when I get a compliment. But I need to start saying thank you and maybe writing them down so I can reread it and see that I’m not as worthless as I think I am.

I will update more often and maybe upload stuff I’ve previously written, some of which is pretty dark and emotional but maybe if I get it out on here it will help me work through it.

Peace out

Zak

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