How do I move forward?

I just wrote a whole fucking post that didn’t save! because my internet went down! I am so pissed! I poured my soul out and now its fucking gone! Hopefully I can rewrite it, as I need to get this shit out.

Even stupid shit like what just happened makes me so angry and frustrated and my reaction is probably an over reaction, but when nothing feels like it ever goes right, every small thing that goes wrong feels like a massive failure. It feels like such a childish reaction, there’s so much sadness, anger and frustration bubbling under the surface.

I feel like the last 2/3 years I’ve been stuck and I’ve tried so hard to move forward and keep going but nothing I do seems to work, or seems to be enough. I’m still stuck in the same place, I’ve been left behind by life and everyone in it.

I feel like once I fulfilled my role/need in someones life, then I am no longer needed/wanted. Not all cases are the same, some will just continue to use me for their own gains, but I’ve wised up to that and I will remove myself from those friendships. But that seems to be the only thing that’s changed. No one seems to stay around too long, no one seems to remember me unless I put myself out there. This is just the story of my life, I’ve always struggled to make friends, I’m so tired of trying and failing, so tired of being lonely. Tired of trying my best to break this cycle and it never being good enough.

I feel like I’ve lost myself, I’ve tried my best to fit in, I’ve changed my style in order to try and look my age, rather then looking like a kid. Although I still feel like a lost little kid inside. I’ve tried to be what others have wanted me to be, but I’ve seem to have totally lost myself in the process. In trying to fit in I’ve just made myself invisible, lost who I am along the way, how do you even find who you are? I’m no longer being my authentic self, but I don’t know who that is anymore.

I think being in a relationship last year with someone a little older then me didn’t help, I wanted so much for it to work, I wanted so much to be loved, that I just tried too hard, I lost myself in trying to make someone else happy, I tried so hard to be what they needed me to be, it still wasn’t enough. I felt like I had lost everything, I’d lost the relationship and I’d lost myself, although I think I was already loosing my sense of self beforehand. It’s been a year and I’m still struggling with this, I’m still not over it. Stupid right? I’m 34 and never been in a relationship longer then 7 months. I can’t even keep someone for a whole year. I feel like such a loser! although I can’t even keep friends, so I’m never going to be able to keep a relationship.

Will it always be this way? Will I always feel like this? It is time to just stop trying? I just feel so sad all the time, but I still smile because lets face it, who wants to be around someone who’s always so sad all the time? I don’t really remember a time when I didn’t feel this intense sadness that I hold inside, not even when I was young, not teenage years, not my 20’s nor my 30’s. I’ve tried so hard to pretend to be happy, to just get on with trying to live, but I always end up just trying to survive.

When is my time to shine? when is it my time to be happy? When will I have friends? When will I be loved? So much self pity, victim shit! Urgh even I hate myself and my thought processes. So much wallowing is self pity, I’m drowning in it, this whole post reeks of it. But its unfortunately where I’m at right in this moment.

I’m totally stuck, I have no idea how to move forward, how to get myself out of this cycle. I went back to the mental health team and I saw my psychiatrist this week and it didn’t really fill me with hope, it just felt like a step back. I don’t feel like its the place that’s going to help me. I mean I’ve been under them for over 10 years and they’ve only helped so much. It didn’t quite feel right being there, I feel like I’m not going to get what I need from there. Although I’m not sure exactly what it is I need, I just feel its not going to be found in that particular system.

There’s so much I hold inside, good and bad, I can’t seem to let any of it go, let any of it out. I’ve been through so much pain and trauma in my life and its all trapped inside, every hurt, every bad word said, every embarrassing moment, every trauma, stuck inside causing this deep sadness and pain. Causing me to stand in my own way, stopping myself from moving forward.

Maybe one day it will be better, maybe one day I can let all the past pains go, maybe one day I can move forward. Maybe one day it will be my time.

Peace out

Zak

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