My own worst bully

Who else struggles with negative self talk?? Cuz I certainly do, I am my own worst bully, far worse then anything I ever faced from any real life person.

I’m so bad for constantly picking myself apart and flogging myself to the point of depression. It’s such a bad habit of mine and I think as I move closer to turning 35, it’s gotten worse. I have a habit of comparing my life to others and feel like I am so behind everyone and where I feel I should be.

I have to remind myself that there is no set timeline, I am where I am meant to be and we all have our own paths. It’s still so hard though, not to feel like a complete failure.

I haven’t had the easiest of lives, I live every day with a autoimmune disorder, which effects my health on a daily basis, poor mental health and being trans as well, hasn’t been an easy path. I have a lot of unresolved trauma, which is buried deep inside, that I can’t really remember, or put into order, but I am slowly trying to work through these things. I’m grateful to still be here, living my life and I know that some day my path will help others, I hope anyway,

I always feel like I SHOULD be doing more, I SHOULD have achieved more by now, I SHOULD be better then I am. Those should’s suck! I put so much pressure on myself and for what? All those should’s just make me feel like shit and it kinda ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy and I end up doing nothing.

The way I talk to myself is so mean, I wouldn’t dare talk to another human like that. So why do we do it to ourselves? Why are we so mean? I know for me a lot of it comes down to low self esteem and feeling unworthy and I am trying to be kinder to myself, changing that inner monologue from such negative, bullying, horrible stuff to being more kinder and more compassionate to myself.

It’s really hard changing how you talk to yourself, some days are worse then others. But I am trying my best to be as kind and compassionate to myself as I am to others. It will always be a work in progress and that’s cool, things don’t change over night.

To anyone struggling with negative self talk, YOU ARE WORTHY! YOU MATTER! YOU’VE GOT THIS!

Peace out

Zak

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