meh

Where to even start… I don’t even know right now.

I feel like I’m just repeating the same old patterns, writing the same old bullshit about the same old shit, feeling the same old way. Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I feel better? Why am I being left behind? 35 year old loser!

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Something I wrote the other night

I’m just invisible, my light got blown out years ago, trying to pick myself up, but darling I’m so low now

Hard to see that bright light, with the darkness filling me

Where do I go from here? I can’t find my way out.

Can anybody see me? I don’t understand what’s happening right now?

Can anybody hear me? I can’t keep screaming any longer.

Just invisible, fading into the background, I no longer see myself in my reflection, I don’t know who I am now.

I’m just invisible yeah. Just invisible.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Something I wrote today

Trying my best to keep on holding tight,

I won’t let go, no baby not tonight.

But I’m trying my best to keep my head held high, don’t want you to see me cry.

I’m sure I’ll probably be alright… right?

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

This lock down is hard, mental health is slowly unravelling, harder to hold shit together.

I’ve spent so many years being everything everyone else needed to be, yet I still wasn’t good enough for anyone to stay around.

I’ve spent so much time changing myself for other people, so I would be what they expected me to, what they wanted and needed me to be. But in doing that I lost myself.

I’ve realised that in one friendship in particular this happened and I was being gaslight, not on purpose. But I was never good enough as myself, I was stupid, I didn’t know anything about anything, my feelings were never valid but theirs always was.

All of my life I’ve been told and made to feel that I’m not good enough, I don’t try enough, I’m not enough for anything. That shit cuts so deep and I believe it, I can’t change that anymore.

I’m so sick of even trying. In societies eyes I’m a failure and as for other people, well I wouldn’t know anymore cuz I mean I have no real friends. Just all lip service, like always.

I’ve never really felt like I’ve existed, or like I even belonged here. Partly my struggle with disassociation but I’ve always felt so invisible.

I’m so sick of being stuck down here on the ground, I’m always being told to keep trying, put in the effort with people, do this, do that… blah blah blah! Makes no difference, I’m not a bad person. I try so hard but always ends up the same, alone.

I always connect with people, I’d never speak to anyone if I didn’t. But I’m done making the effort, its shown me all I need to know. Confirmed what I already knew.

I’m alone and no one gives a shit.

Social media is full of people having fun, despite lock down. Video calls with friends, just having fun still.

I’ve never felt so alone and sad in my entire life.

I thought as I got older life would get better, cuz that’s how it works right? People grow up and move forward. I just feel so left behind, I try so hard and get no where. When do I get better? When does my life start? I’ll never catch up now.

Just living like a ghost trying to find the light in all the darkness.

peace out

zak

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: