I need to move!

I can’t even be bothered to go into the detail about the shit that has happened this weekend. My housing association is beyond shit! I have had nothing but issues, with the flat, the neighbours and the housing association from the moment I moved in here. It’s not that simple just to move…. Believe me if it was I would be long gone by now. But I certainly am going to look into being moved, because this is just getting stupid now. I cannot be dealing with the stress of it all. I actually don’t know just how much more I am able to take! 

On the other hand I lent my skin as a canvas to be practised on 🙂 So I now have 2 new tattoo’s 1 is finished 1 just needs to be coloured! But I am extremely happy with them 🙂 the pain therapy was very much needed!

Taking Marley to have her stitches out tomorrow, I can’t wait till I am able to put her back in with my baby boys!

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

WG and me

Well I have yet to explain my rare physical health condition. It is called Wegener’s granulomatosis. 

Feel free to google away. But this is my story and the effects of WG on my life.

So when I was 7years old, I was always up at my GP’s as I had real trouble breathing, it got so bad that at one point school wouldn’t let me come because I was a health and safety risk or something lol. 

My GP was old and just not listening to my mum. Till one night I woke up unable to breathe, so my mum and dad rushed me into hospital where I was given a nebulizer to help me breathe. I stayed in over night. I was later diagnosed with asthma.

I had lots of trouble with my joints since I was born. When I was going through growth spurts, I used to wake up in the night screaming in agony. This is not normal…. Yes growing pains do hurt, but not that bad.

I was always in and out of physiotherapy, getting my shoe’s built up. Nothing helped.

I got tired so easily, for someone as young as me. I used to get horrendous nose bleeds as well. Some would last for 8hours. Yet the people in a&e wouldn’t do anything about it, because I was so young, and because the shape of my nose. I have something called saddle nose, which means the bridge of my nose had collapsed. In my teens I saw an ears, nose and throat doctor.

I had tones of blood tests, hospital trips, a piece of tissue taken from the inside of my nose. And finally ant 15yrs old I was diagnosed with this rare condition. Trust me to get something that only 10 in a million people have. It’s even rarer in young people. 

I started a course of steroids and had regular appointments with my ENT doc and my rheumatologist. I also was started on a medication called Methotrexate, which is a very strong drug, and because of that I cut my hair really short, because it made my hair weak and it used to fall out in clumps. I also had to have regular blood tests, to check my kidney and liver function, and the see how active my WG was.

So how does this condition effect me.

I have a collapsed bridge, and my nostrils are slowly collapsing, so eventually I will have to have my nose rebuilt, and needless to say, due to this I have a lot of problems with my sinuses.

Lungs are pretty fucked as well. I have something called subglotic webbing, which means they don’t work as well as they should do, which results in my getting breathless real easily. 

Joints are painful a lot of the time. I have something called hyper-mobility, this is in all of my joints. I can’t really explain this one as I don’t know a lot about it. All I know is that it makes me joints hurt real bad.

Immune system doesn’t work well either, I get sick all the time, and my body finds it hard to fight infection.  

I tire easily as well. 

I have also had my wind pipe widened a few times too. 

I think that is about all the things I deal with. Hence why I find it extremely difficult to find any kind of employment. That along with bipolar, life can be very difficult at times.

Peace out

Tank girl x

dead inside

Because of my BPD traits, I have a tendency to fall in love very quickly. Since my dad died I have had a few girls interested in me, and usually I would be all flirty and latch on to the fact that someone is paying me some kind of attention. The attention that I crave. The feeling of being wanted and loved. But since my dad died, I haven’t been my usual self, in the sense that I have not fallen head over heels for the girls that have taken an interest me, I’ve not given myself or my heart to anyone. Is this normal?! How can I have suddenly changed so drastically? I just have no interest in a relationship what-so-ever…. which again isn’t like me. I used to crave to be in a decent long term relationship, to get married and have kids. But that desire has gone totally…. I’m just not interested. Mainly because my dad won’t be there to walk me down the isle or hold his 1st grandchild (from me) I know in spirit he will be there, but that just isn’t the same. I just feel so dead inside. My life stopped the day he died… and everyone seems to have just moved on. I can’t though. I’m not like everyone else. I can’t even describe how much I miss my dad, and I never knew just how much I relied on him till now. I just don’t know what to do, how to feel…..

Peace out

Tank girl x

Choices

 I’ve written all I have wanted to say. There is not much more I can say or whatever that will change my situation life has handed me…. Just got to try and make the best out of a shit situation I suppose, no matter how hard it is. If I give up and give in I would have failed my task in making my dad happy. I cannot take my own life, that is just not fair, as so many out there just like my dad, didn’t have a choice! there lives were cut short! It is not my time. I am not the one to decide when my time is up….. That’s not for anyone to decide…. apart from my creator! 

Peace out

Tank girl x

I hate Sundays!

Another day of doing fuck all, mainly because I can’t be fucked and because I have no money for another week. 

I had a waterfall going on in my kitchen last night, from the ceiling. It means somewhere above me is a leak. So I rang my housing association to tell them about it. They said I need to make sure the person/people in the flat above me are in. I don’t even know who lives above me, they could be on holiday for all I know! So I went and knocked…. But no answer. GREAT! went back to mine and the light on the cooker is flashing even though it isn’t on, so I turned it off at the wall. Had a shower and went to get something for dinner that I could just cook with boiled water…. So pot noodle it was! Gah I fucking hate living here! It should be fucking derelict! They knock em up so quick and wonder why they pretty much fall down after a few years! Nothing but nightmare neighbours and 1 problem after another GAH! and they won’t move me! 

Spent most of the day naked and in bed! best place ever! Fucking hate life so wank! Physically feeling less ill. Mentally I just feel like I’m fading. Loosing all sense of myself.

Something I wrote for my dad.

I don’t praise the sight of another sunrise, I despise it because it means yet another day spent without you in my life </3 Miss you Dad more then anyone will ever know x

Peace out

Tank girl x

:/

 Me “dunno, just fed up of being ill all the time, and not being able to keep up like normal people” 

 
My friend “Hmm so change it x”

 
Me “i cant
its apart of my illness….
there is no cure for it”
 
Above is a conversation I had with a friend last night, she obviously has no clue about my struggles with W.G. I had to hold back and bite my tongue. 
I would love to fucking change the fact that I am ill! But funnily enough I can’t, the W.G will eventually be the end of me! There is no cure, or anything GAH! what the fuck is wrong with people!
 
I’ve taken it easy today, done hardly anything at all, apart from catching up on sleep and having snuggles with my kitty cats, Oscar and Simba. 
 
Not much to say really, just feeling tired, down, and very lonely. MEH
 
Peace out
 
Tank girl x

Frustrated!

So yet again I am ILL! 😦 Everything hurts and aches, on more anti biotic’s. So fed up of feeling ill all the time, and having to deal my my head…… It’s just to draining. MEH! 

Not even sure what to write. My brain is just a mushy mess… Too tired to put down anything inspiring or thoughtful… 

It’s so frustrating, I want to be able to enjoy the sun, and have fun e.t.c but I can’t keep up, the sun makes me tired, I’ve lost my appetite, just drinking loads of fluids. I just want to be able to enjoy a full day out, without feeling achy or tired…. But I can’t! 😦 I just want to be a normal 27yr old…..

Peace out

Tank girl x