So just a quick update really as I don’t have a whole lot to say regarding my transition. As at the moment it feels like it’s on pause.
20/3/2020 marked 7 months post op top surgery! Which is cool but as I’ve spoken about over and over, I still feel that lack of connection with my chest and body in general. So whilst I’m extremely grateful that I was lucky enough to have the surgery, I don’t feel the happiness I thought I would feel. Maybe I put too much expectations of surgery making everything better.
Now we’re in this quarantine times, I intend to try and slow down and connect with my innermost self and really trust myself and learn to love myself unconditionally. Maybe this will help ease the dysphoria and help with the connection. I need to lose weight too as that definitely isn’t helping. But I feel stuck inside myself, I can’t move.
I intend to look after myself better because I deserve it.
Here are some pictures of my chest 7 months after life changing, life saving surgery
Now we’re facing times of such uncertainties, I think it’s a good opportunity to stop and look for the positives and be grateful for what we do have.
I’m going to try and write a gratitude list everyday.
Who’s going to join me?
I made a start, here are my lists.
I hope this gives you hope and inspiration
As were self isolating, lockdown is on the horizon. I thought I’d share some of the stuff I like to do when I’m at home.
One is listening to podcasts, please feel free to share your favourite podcasts with me too 🙂
Ask Iliza anything
Did I stutter Drew Lynch
Cabinet of curiosities
Nothing much happens – Great for getting to sleep
Over the next few days I’ll be sharing more posts like this.
Please feel free to share my blogs, please like, subscribe and comment.
Take care everyone
I’ve spent the last few days thinking about stuff, I think being forced into self/social isolation has a tendency to do that. Whilst I am used to social isolation, its something that is really bad for my mental health. So I’ve had to really think about how I am going to get through this, without spiralling into the darkness.
The first thing I decided was to start back on trazadone, I decided to stop taking it as I felt like I no longer needed it. Although having stopped it, I realised they were helping more then I thought they were. They helped me focus, stop disassociating as much as I am right now, took the edge off anxiety and depression, all which have come back but I’ve been able to keep on top of them a bit. Now we are in this self isolation and not being able to do everything I enjoy I know my mood, anxiety and disassociation will get worse, so I know I need to get on top of this. Not something I really wanted to do but I need to do.
I need to write down a list of things I need and see if I can try and get hold of them, I don’t need much just a few bits to get by. But as I’m vulnerable to this condition I need to try and be as prepared as possible.
I also need to write a list of things I can do inside, things I can do to keep the fur babies occupied as well. I can still take them for walks but with my chronic pain and fatigue I can’t always be outside with them.
I need to write out a rough routine that I can try and follow, I do better with a routine. Although I know I easily get bored of routine, so it won’t be something I will follow strictly just guidelines really so I don’t feel like I’m just floating around.
My asthma clinic appointment was cancelled as my doctors aren’t doing face to face appointments unless they are an emergencies, which I understand. I can still get my testosterone injection as that is something I need, so that is booked in for 14th April. I did ask if I can get paracetamol on prescription just for now, as I cannot find it anywhere and I don’t want to search the shops. I was told to ring back, but wasn’t able to get through, so I will try again tomorrow.
I plan on writing more, whether that is a blog or just scribbling down in my notebooks. I’ve felt so disconnected from myself I’ve struggled to write anything that I felt connected with.
Once I have some stuff written down about how to get through this self isolation, I will share it on here and hopefully as a community we can come together and help each other get through this.
I’ve been back and forth about writing this as the entire world is talking about it and rightly so as its serious.
There’s lots of information out there, misinformation, real information and so on. There’s also a lot of people panicking. So it’s hard to know what to believe, what to do etc.
Obviously there are countries like Italy that are on complete shut down, to contain the virus.
I am stuck between trying not to panic but also panicking a bit, as I have an autoimmune disorder, I am on immunosuppressants, I have no immune system to fight off simple infections. For me a common cold will go to my chest and sinuses and I will need a 2 week course of antibiotics to try and get rid of it.
My mum is panicking a bit, keeps asking if I have stuff in, which is a bit annoying but also my local shop is out of the basic necessities. Luckily I have what I need for now but I can’t get paracetamol anywhere, so I may need to ask the doctor for a prescription but that’s if they will let me as I will run out eventually.
I can’t not go out main reason being is the dogs, I have to take them out to pee and for a run. But also I cannot stand staying in for long periods of time, it makes me feel claustrophobic and just isn’t great for my mental health. So whilst yes I probably need to stay away from populated things like the cinema (my fave thing to do) public transport etc, I still need to go out in the fresh air.
Until the government tell us not to go out at all, I am going to continue to walk the dogs.
I’m just trying to remain calm, not read everything I see on the coronavirus and carry on kinda as normal.
I was lucky enough to not get swine flu and bird flu when that hit, so am I hoping I wont catch this either.
My poor step dad is currently in hospital in isolation, not because of the coronavirus but he has a condition that effects his lungs and he’s been in and out of hospital for a few months now, which hasn’t been looking great. I don’t know how long he has left but I can’t risk going to see him, I can’t risk infecting him with anything and I can’t risk picking anything up either, which really sucks.
I’m just trying to rationalise this whole thing, try and keep myself safe as I can and just be sensible about the whole thing and not panic.
Stay safe, be sensible, please consider those around you, wash your hands, if your sick stay home! Do as your government advises.
Despite have a good birthday, I always feel a bit low around my birthday. Apparently it’s quite a common thing to feel low or even depressed around your birthday for a number of reasons.
One reason is because it forces you to look back over the past year and feeling like you’ve not accomplished enough over the last year, also feeling disappointed by not having expectations met.
Both of those examples I really struggle with, I often feel let down by people, as I have been let down a lot. I also feel like I’ve not done enough, I’m not doing enough, I’m not good enough etc.. So birthdays bring up so much crap and always throws me off and makes me feel so shitty.
I try and manage my expectations of people and my birthday but its really hard. I try my best to make sure I ask friends if they want to do stuff, so I’m not alone. But I still struggle to verbalise what I really want for my birthday, which makes managing expectations difficult.
But I had a great birthday despite feeling a bit low about everything and I am feeling grateful. It just knocks me down a bit, but I always get back up stronger then before.
Does anyone struggle around birthdays? Do you feel low? How do you cope with birthdays?
As I said in my blog the other day, I’ve been struggling to sit down and concentrate and a lot of that is because I’ve had a case of ‘I can’t be bothered’ been feeling a bit low, stressed and tense. I’ve withdrawn myself from life a bit, withdrawn from people and from doing anything at all. It’s been a huge struggle to get up and do the most basic of things.
I’ve been a bit depressed and a bit lazy but I am going to try my best to get out and do stuff.
Anyway, last week 2nd March, was my 35th Birthday! Which is insane! 5 years until I’m 40! WTF LOL!
I had a really great week, on my actual birthday I had two friends over and we had pizza and cake! Which was awesome. Thursday my friend and I went to Brighton for the day which was so much fun, we went to the aquarium and wow I loved it there! I love Brighton so much. On the Saturday my two friends came down for the weekend, we ate loads, drank, watched movies and chilled.
It was a really great birthday week, I am so grateful for all the people I shared my birthday with. I was a bit worried about this birthday as its the first without the 2 big friendships I’ve had over the years, so I was worried that I wouldn’t have anyone to do anything with.
I thought I’d share some pictures of my birthday week
Safe to say I took a billion pictures at the aquarium lol!
I was in such a different place when I turned 30, I’d just come out as trans, I was surrounded by different people, good and bad friendships. I’m now 2 1/2 years on testosterone, nearly 7 months post op top surgery, I have a very different friend circle. Things are not perfect, I’m still figuring stuff out but I am slowly becoming the person I want to be and I will continue to change and grow.
That’s all for now, as I am struggling to feel connected to what I’m writing so it doesn’t feel quite right. So I’m going to stop.