Breaking very old patterns

As I mentioned in my last post, I had written 2 long posts early hours of this morning, but I knew I would need to proof read the spelling and if they made sense or not before posting as they were both written pretty quickly, as I didn’t want to forget anything and wanted to get everything out.

So here goes…

Stuck in patterns especially with friendships and relationships. Experiencing the same same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

I didn’t just need to step out of these friendships, I also needed to look at myself and where I was going wrong and why these patterns kept repeating.

A lot of it was because I let it happen and let those patterns continue as I wasn’t in tune, I wasn’t learning, changing or moving forward.

I also thought it’s all I deserved and because shitty friendships and relationships kept happening, so must be me right? I must have been the reason I was being treated in the ways that I was. That’s a little bit true in the fact I left my behaviour unchecked and unchallenged but I also didn’t challenge others about what they said and the way they treated me, I didn’t express how I felt when someone did or said something. I just shut up and accepted that’s all I deserved.

I’ve always struggled to maintain friendships and relationships. I know I’m not an easy person, I’m overly sensitive and I take things to heart. I used to view these as bad qualities because I was told constantly I’m too emotional, I’m too much to handle etc.

But my sensitivity is what makes me special, it’s what makes me different, it’s what makes me me!

I think these people just didn’t have the same emotional capacity, emotional intelligence as me, so it was easier to make out that I’m the bat shit crazy one and I’ll be the first to admit that I am absolutely bat shit crazy but I’m absolutely cool with that.

I wasn’t built for this cookie cutter society, I was built to stand out and shine bright. But all my life I’ve been surrounded by people who’ve slowly helped to dim that light until I was completely lost in the darkness, just serving others and not looking after myself because myself was completely lost.

I felt invisible like I was only here to serve the needs of others, regardless of the cost to myself. It’s what I deserved, after all I was only a shadow.

The last two years have been the most brutally beautiful and eye opening. It’s like my light has been switched on again and is starting to flicker and with every passing day it gets a little bit brighter.

2018 was the year I fell in love after being on my own for 5 years. Even though it lasted only 7 months I fell hard but it was hard not too as she’s an incredible human, it was the first relationship since starting my transition and as short as it was the longest relationship I’ve had.

I was completely broken when it ended but we remained friends which was really painful to begin with and I think it’s only been really recently that I can say that I’m over her. I still adore her and I’m glad we’re still friends but she was definitely sent to teach me a huge life lesson.

After we broke up my world went from sunshine to perpetual darkness, it was devastating. I withdrew from everyone, withdrew from life, I was so angry, so sad I would spend days crying, which felt like the tears would never stop.

But it gave me the opportunity to analyse what happened, where I went wrong and what I could improve on in the future. Now this isn’t something I’ve ever done before, usually I just get depressed and eventually get over it without learning any lessons so ultimately end up repeating the same shit over again.

It wasn’t a nice process looking at what a needy, emotional, childish diva I was. How intense I was and it’s proper cringeworthy stuff, so bad that I wished I just didn’t exist, that didn’t happen and no one remembered 😂

I mean fair play to her for surviving with me as long as she did.

Even though I did have some awareness of my behaviours and how needy I can be, I tried my hardest to act like a grown up and whatever but those not so great qualities of mine snuck in and soon took over and I couldn’t control myself.

I was overly needy, paranoid, super insecure.. the list goes on.

I’ve been able to step back and take a look at myself and it’s been hard. Especially admitting my flaws but I mean it’s been an essential part of me growing and changing.

It’s taken a lot of work to process the pain and move on from that dark place but I’m doing better now and I hope that if/when a new relationship arises that I’ll be better equipped to deal with myself and have a healthy relationship.

This all led to me taking a step back from important friendships in my life.

Often with long term friendships we don’t tend to take a step back and look at it and see the toxicity that’s slowly crept in along with the complacency.

Whilst this particular person was the one who actually took the plunge and said we need to take a step back from each other, it was something that I was already contemplating and thinking over. They just got to it quicker then I did. But I wanted to take my time look at everything, process everything before I made a decision but my hand was forced and this person did the ending off.

Which as time has gone on has been more of a relief then I imagined.

I won’t go into the ins and outs but toxic behaviour on both sides, a difference in needs/wants/expectations of the friendship which ultimately for me led to feeling disappointed and let down a lot.

I did though put in an important boundary for myself and blocked this person from all my social media as I feel like I wasn’t supported as much as I needed/wanted/expected, so they don’t get to know/see the next parts of my life. Plus a clean break from a bad environment is always good.

The other friendship, well I dunno just things had changed, I had changed and it was just too much of an effort and I just couldn’t be bothered anymore, we’d outgrown each other.

The other friendship, well I was sick to death of hearing the same old depressing shit over and over again and giving my advice and practical help but nothing changed. I walked away for my own sanity.

These decisions weren’t taken lightly as it left me extremely lonely as these people were the only ones that were the closest to me.

I feel like I’m no longer being strangled by others expectations and need. Which has been really freeing.

I’ve spent the last 6 months with huge chunks of time just on my own and it’s been amazing.

The friendships/people I still talk to now is such a different set up. No expectations of anything, we talk as and when, I meet-up with people as and when I feel up to it. I can say no and mean it, without feeling guilty about it. I can put in boundaries without feeling guilty. Proper grown up stuff lol!

I feel like a weight has been lifted, my light is shining bright, my confidence and self esteem is slowly building. I’m becoming the person I’m actually proud of.

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Holy shit who is this person that wrote this deep stuff?! like wow! ahaha. Its amazing what flows out at 4am.

Again another hugely raw and vulnerable post but its good to get this stuff out. I feel good, I am good.

Peace out

Zak

Inner monologue

I wrote this early hours of this morning and thought I’d share the sort of stuff that runs through my brain.

Inner monologue

Body needs to rest but my brain needs that’s physical stimulation which is maybe where/when/why I get so agitated and frustrated as I’m not physically working moving enough and my brain needs that stimulation/sensation in order to be able to focus and function better

But obviously having a chronic illness rest time is hugely important and essential to keep my body well.

My brain is also easily overstimulated which can either leave me feeling drained and overwhelmed or hyper and unable to sleep or settle down.

It’s been such a great journey learning more about myself and how my brain is working and connecting those dots.

Pretty much everything I write isn’t based in science, just my own personal experience, discovery and exploration of myself and how I work and function, which is fascinating.

I’m heading towards 35 and I’m finally figuring myself out, in a way I’ve never really looked at before.

When I have counselling before it’s was always based around dealing with the situations I was currently dealing with like self harm and depression. I never really delved into my past and never really spoke about the why, why I am the I am, what’s making me tick.

This round of counselling, I mean yeah I was struggling big time with anxiety and depression. But I feel like I’ve been way more open with my current counsellor, I’ve delved deeper than just surface stuff and I’ve been given the space and opportunity to look at things completely differently and it’s been super fascinating and now when I’ll just get random thoughts much like how this post started from a light bulb moment I suppose and I’ve just been writing and writing and a lot of my scribbles don’t make it into a blog but I’ve got so many notes all over the place I will type them up and turn them into some kind of order as I think it’s such an important part of the process and journey of rediscovering who I am outside of friendships and relationships and outside of my transition.

I don’t think I’ve ever really known who I am and where I fit. But I’m slowly learning and discovering more about myself and it’s exciting.

I’m starting to like me and who I am, what I represent and what I can contribute to this life.

I’ve always felt like a lost soul, just kinda floating around, not really fitting in or not even really needed.

I’m started to feel more grounded in my body, in my mind and in my soul, the essence of who I am and why I’m here. Feels super weird but also pretty cool.

My sessions end this month and I’m feeling pretty confident that I can continue this journey myself. Just gotta keep writing out all these thoughts in my head and continue to listen to myself and the different aspects that make up me and make sure all needs are met where possible so I can continue to be the best version of me.

I did write another note of stuff I was thinking about last night but I will post that separately as its pretty long.

Also reading this back I have little recollection of writing this, I knew I wrote it but I was so in the moment and everything was just flowing, which I think the real me is able to come into power and be at my most raw and vulnerable.

Peace out

Zak

Counselling – Asking for help isn't shameful

I went back to counselling sessions about 3/4 months ago now and I’ve found it to be really beneficial and has really helped me to process things I’ve been dealing with and has helped me unpick some real deep routed/ingrained stuff that I hadn’t really realised I had issues with.

I was a bit hesitant to go back into therapy/counselling, for many reasons. But some of these reason had actually come from what others had told me in the past that had become apart of my negative self talk.

One reason I was hesitant was that over my life I have seen a lot of counsellors, therapists etc I’ve done CBT and DBT and at what point is it enough? I kept telling myself, well I’m an adult now, nearly 35 I should be able to manage life on my own, I’ve had lots of therapy, I should have the skills and ability to deal with life… and the list goes on. Lots of I SHOULD’s which are the fucking worst!

Also in the past I’ve had friends people in my life, telling me I’m not trying hard enough, I’m not doing enough to change my life and the situations I find myself in etc and if you’re told that enough times, especially if you have low self esteem like I do, you believe those people and those statements and they become apart of your inner monologue, which you the use to bully yourself with.

I viewed counselling as an adult as a sign that I am failing, have failed at managing myself and my own life. Because of those negative statements I felt a lot of shame about needing counselling again, which is bullshit, the best thing for me at this time was to go back to counselling to help myself.

Things you say to people even if you mean well can be so damaging, especially if that person is like me and is particularly sensitive to other people’s words. Obviously you can’t know what words will hurt people, but its just having an awareness of what you do say may have a bigger impact on a person, whether you meant it or not.

The words we say are hugely powerful and can have a massive impact on the rest of someone’s life, not to be dramatic. But a lot of the things in my inner monologue are from negative things or perceived negative things that have been said to me.

It’s really hard for me to not take things to heart, I often don’t seem like I’m effected by things in the moment but I am very much someone who will repeat something over and over and over a million times and look at it from every different angle imaginable. By doing so I make myself feel so upset or angry by something and often my internal reaction often doesn’t match the actual event and is usually an overreaction.

It is something I have been working on for years as I am very aware I can be seen as overly emotional, but I can also go the other way and have no reaction at all, no response.

Taking things to heart is something I still struggle with a bit, I’m still learning. I am much better at controlling my emotions and reactions to things.

Counselling has been eyeopening and it has helped me process things that I was struggling with on my own. I feel like I have dealt with past hurts from a relationship that ended just over a year ago, that was the main thing I was still really struggling with. It still felt so raw and painful, but that pain and hurt has been worked through, unpicked and it just feels good to have had someone outside the situation to talk to about it.

It has also helped me unpick past friendships and why patterns kept repeating over and over. I lack boundaries with people and because of my kindness and low self esteem I let people walk all over me, I let toxic behaviour to continue unchallenged, I was way too much of a people pleaser, I often didn’t even realise I was being emotionally abused because it was so subtle, but over the years it wore me down.

Before I started counselling I was starting to realise that a lot of my main friendships I had were so toxic and just weren’t good for me. In on particular one I felt like I was constantly being put down, in such subtle ways but now I’m not involved in that situation I can’t believe the fact I let it go on for as long as it did, without even saying anything. I just accepted it because that’s what I thought I deserved.

I didn’t think I deserved to be treated better then I was, I didn’t think I was worthy enough. But since stepping back from these friendships and since unpicking this pattern of negative friendships, I realise I am worthy and I do deserve to be treated better then I have been.

Unpicking life, unlearning behaviours and patterns isn’t something that happens overnight and isn’t something that ever stops. I think its good to continue to keep stepping back and looking at different aspects of life to continue to move forward and to make sure you’re not being taken advantage of and helps you identify toxic negative behaviours, either from yourself or that you are allowing from other people.

Counselling also helped me unpick and look at the problems I have with disassociation and how its your brains way of protecting you and the different effects it can have. IE it can stop medications being effective as there is such a separation being brain and body. Which so so fascinating.

We also talked about my gender dysphoria and the fact that I feel still disconnected to my chest despite having had top surgery, nearly 6 months ago now.

This disconnection/disassociation from my brain and body is something I think I’ve always struggled with ever since I was small. Due to traumatic events, those events being my parents divorce which was extremely messy and painful and then being quite ill from a very young age and finally having a diagnosis as a teenager of a life changing, lifelong illness. Also being brought up in an environment that wasn’t great for anyone’s mental health, let alone a child’s

I have very little recollection of my parent’s divorce and the bits I do remember, aren’t great but the rest I’ve blocked out. I may never fully remember those events, I may have something that one day will trigger those memories. And that’s ok because my brain is doing whatever it needs to do to continue to protect me and keep me safe, which is amazing.

Maybe one day with more inner work and the further down the line I go with my transition I will close that gap between my brain and body and that disconnection won’t be so great. But as with anything these deep routed things take time to heal and takes time to change.

I think because I am a pretty sensitive person that I will need top up counselling sessions every now and then throughout my life, just to keep me going, keep me safe and keep me happy and I’m ok with that now.

You take your car for an MOT, you go to the hospital if you break a leg, you eat food in order to fuel your body to keep going, so why wouldn’t you put in the same effort for your mental health?

Mental health is such an important aspect and even now in 2020 it still feels as though going to counselling is a negative thing. But it really isn’t, it’s such an important part of life, especially if mental health is something you have struggles with.

There is no shame in needing help, there is no shame in needing medication, there is no shame in needing counselling/therapy as and when you need it and for however long you need it. There is NO shame in looking after your mental health.

Shame is such a powerful emotion, it’s one I really struggle with. Sometimes I just feel so full of shame about even being alive and taking up space that I do wonder why I am still here. But again often that shame isn’t mine, its come from words other people have said to me, opinions from others etc.

I am slowly learning how to build boundaries with other, which in turn is helping my self esteem. I’m slowly learning to like myself and who I am as a person, I am slowly learning to change that negative self talk to a more positive self talk. I am slowly learning.

Not everyone’s paths and journeys look the same, there is no time scale that anyone should be doing anything by. Some people learn huge lessons at a young age, some people take longer, some people never learn and change and that’s ok. We are all different, we all experience life differently and we’re all walking different paths to different destinations and that’s ok.

If you think you need some extra help, please access it. See your GP or psychiatrist, look up a privet counsellor (most of which will do a concession charge) talk to a friend, partner, family member. Needing extra help, isn’t shameful, isn’t a sign of failure. In fact asking for help takes such strength and bravery, it is the opposite of failure.

Asking for extra help means you respect yourself enough to know that you deserve help.

I decided last month to end my sessions at the end of this month and I know that I am welcome to go back whenever I need to and for however long I need too and it feels nice to know that whenever I need a little help to get unstuck from life, I have someone I can go to and work things through with.

I am looking forward to this next part of my life, with a new healthier view on friendships and relationships and the confidence to build and maintain boundaries. Even though at the moment my mood isn’t amazing, I feel stronger and I feel more capable of dealing with life in general.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

Pushing through the dark

I woke up today just not wanting to participate in life at all, just wanted to hide. But I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t settle on doing any one thing and Scrappy kept looking at me with his big puppy dog eyes.

With much effort and a lot of complaining and swearing lol, I got myself up and ready. Every step to get ready felt so difficult and almost impossible to do, but I stuck with it and finally was showered and dressed.

I got ready to take the dogs out, I was undecided as to where I was going to take them. But as soon as we stepped outside it started raining, only a little shower at first, so I kept walking and then it rained heavily for about 5 minutes. We’d just gone to the green across the road, as they needed to go pee anyway. The rain stopped and the sun came out, it was pretty windy, so it was moving the clouds out the way.

As we were already soaked, I decided to go to Baiter for a walk, Foxy wasn’t overly happy with being soaked but we all soon dried off in the sunshine.

There weren’t many people down there, which was perfect. It was good to be outside, despite the struggle it took to force myself out, I’m always happy to be out.

I took some nice pictures, the dogs had a blast which makes me so happy, watching them playing and having so much fun.

I feel like I can breathe when I’m outside in nature, I feel free. I’m glad we got out in between the rain and storms, we’ve got more headed our way this weekend.

Here are all the pictures I took this afternoon

I’m feeling a bit more relaxed now, then I was this morning. It’s amazing what a bit of fresh air can do to help lift your mood a bit.

That’s all for now, I hope you enjoy this blog and my pictures.

Peace out

Zak

Grumpy boy

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a struggle, I’ve been feeling so agitated, grumpy, achy and exhausted. A lot of it has to do with having stopped taking trazadone, which is slowly working its way out of my system.

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything as well. I’ve taken a bit of a step back from life, by not answering messages straight away, as it feels too much and I just need that time and space and also taken a step back from people, some days the thought of having other people near me, especially a lot of people almost feels like a physical pain, which is really hard to explain Even just going to the shops to get food is difficult and I put it off until I really have to go. I also feel like I need a protective bubble around myself as I’m always nervous about people being near me, touching me etc, especially random people I don’t know.

Being just on my own is so much easier, as I don’t have to explain myself, or feel like I have to perform, or be happy or whatever. I can just be grumpy and irritable, without upsetting anyone by accident.

Its just much less pressure and feels freeing. 1:1 with someone isn’t as daunting, I think my social anxiety has really been kicking in due to coming off my meds. But I’m sure with a little time and patience I’ll be alright again. Just need to give myself some space to breathe.

I get so frustrated with myself for feeling grumpy and irritable and I know its usually because I’m trying to stop myself from feeling low, as if I let myself feel low, its a hard work to make myself feel better again. So I fight against just allowing myself to feel how I feel, which just makes the whole process longer, then if I just let myself feel sad in the first place!

I’ve also come to realise that I’m an introvert, I also used the think I was a bit of an extrovert. But I don’t think I am at all. I’m still really quite shy, which has something that has never really changed since I was small. I need my own space to be and recover from social interactions, I prefer my own company, being around lots of people is exhausting.

I think because I am quite good at coming across who is someone who is fairly confident but I’ve spent my life being my own advocate to get what I need from services, mainly hospitals/doctors etc.

But yeah I’m a pretty shy, anxiety filled human lol.

Hopefully in the next few weeks when the trazadone has come out of my system fully, I’ll start to feel a bit better again.

I got a SAD lamp, which I’ve been using most days. Haven’t noticed a difference just yet, but I’ll keep with it and maybe use it in the morning rather then the evening.

Peace out

Zak

My Journey from the L to T in LGBT

I saw today on my memories thing that 11 years ago today, I told my mum I was a lesbian. Which now seems hilarious as I feel like such a late bloomer in everything. As a at the time I would have been 23 very nearly 24! and now I’m still figuring out who I am, although I feel like that journey never really ends.

My memory is so rubbish and I just don’t remember these things that should be memorable moments and things I should be able to remember easily but my brain just doesn’t work that way. So Facebook is super helpful, in helping me remember important moments and obviously the not so great ones lol!

So after I saw this particular memory, it got me thinking about my journey over the last 12 years and how far I’ve come. I think its so easy to forget what my life was back then and what it is now and the huge journey and work that’s happened in between and I think the journey I’ve been through hasn’t always been visible or noticeable to those around me.

I hide a lot of things I’m going through, I always have ever since I was small. I was a toxic trait that was learned behaviour from my family. Mainly my from my mum, but again that stuff is passed down through parents. So not necessarily her fault, it’s what she knew and grew up with and she’s still like it a bit now.

I am getting better at expressing myself to those around me, but I still keep a lot to myself. I’m trying my best to live my life authentically and that means being apologetically myself! Even if people think I’m weird, I no longer really care, I know I don’t really fit in and I’m cool with that. I was never meant to fit in anywhere, I was meant to stand out and standing out is hard, because I’ve always tried to fit in, blend in and tried to disappear. But I’m still learning how I am, learning how to stand in my truth, to stand in my power and to shine. It’s a bit scary but I’m kinda starting to like myself for the first time in my life.

From at a fairly young age, I think knew I liked girls but I just always thought of maybe I was looking for a mother figure, as my relationship with my mum was always never close and I always kinda felt not apart of the family I was born in. Always felt like I was the odd one out, so maybe when I was young I was hoping I’d be cute enough and someone would come and take me into their family.

Even as a young teen I was so naive that I only thought men could be gay, I mean sounds so stupid saying that now, but I didn’t grow up with access to the internet and it wasn’t something that was talked about in my family. I just thought being called a lesbian was an insult, didn’t really realise it was an option! LOL! how wrong I was.

I grew up thinking I had to get a boyfriend/husband and that was how it was meant to be, that’s all I grew up seeing. I had like a 2/3 boyfriends, I’ve only had 2 sexual experiences with males and I really didn’t understand why my girl friends were so hyped about sex with guys, cuz I fucking hated it! I thought there was something wrong with me.

As I got older and met different people and experienced life more, I realised there was this whole community of people and my mind was blown! I felt like maybe this is where I fitted in.

It still took a little while for me to actually say I am GAY! I like woman. That was 12 years ago, that I finally was like, nope I’m not going to keep trying to fit in with what I was taught is expected of me. That felt great, it felt like I was being me and not hiding anymore.

It was 8/2/2009 that I finally told my mum, that I had a girlfriend and I don’t think she was shocked and she accepted it. I vividly remember telling my dad and he was like yeah I knew! lol, I remember saying why didn’t you tell me! Would have made things a bit easier! But its the journey I had to go through I suppose.

It took until around Sept 2014 to start questioning my gender and I don’t remember what triggered that particular process. At that point I had 2/3 people that I was friends with, knew of who’d starting transitioning from female to male, which me being the naive person I am again never knew that was a possibility or something that was obtainable to like anyone.

This is why representation in the media whether it be tv, film, music, books etc is SO important! Not only does it help educate people, it helps people feel less like a freak and an outcast.

During this time I wrote a lot, I talked a lot within the LGBT mental health group I attended, I talked with close friends at the time. I went to a Trans group and it didn’t really take long for things to slot in place and for me to realise that I am not and never was a female and that’s why I’ve always hated my body with a passion, why I’ve never felt comfortable within myself and just explained so many other things.

At the time only close friends knew about this part of my life, as I wanted time to figure myself out. I didn’t want to rush such an important life changing decision.

But the day after my 30th birthday in 2015, I messaged everyone on my FB list to explain that I am transgender and I will now be going my male pronouns. I had such an out pouring of love and support, I was honestly taken aback. I was really shocked and I’ve always had that support from people around me, yes sure it took people some time getting used to pronouns and stuff and I had every weird questioned asked under the sun but ultimately everyone just wanted me to be happy.

I don’t remember when I told my mum but I do remember she didn’t really have a lot to say about it and even now, 5 years down the road its not something she openly talks about to me, doesn’t ask me questions. So I still really don’t know how she feels about it all, which is sad because I want to know how she feels, I mean I know she loves me in her own way because she’s my mum but I don’t know if she’s proud of me. It’s not like I haven’t tried but she’s really hard to communicate with because if she doesn’t want to talk about something she just doesn’t respond, so end of conversation. I can’t have a conversation with someone who just won’t reply, just shuts that shit down straight away.

I think that hurts more because my dad is no longer here and I can’t ask him about what he thinks, does he still love me, is proud of me etc. I think we all need that approval from our families, from our parents no matter how old we get. Even though I don’t really know what she thinks about my transition, its never stopped me. Because I am an adult (I think, in age only! lol) But deep inside I do just wish she would express her feelings to me about my transition, mainly so I can have that connection with her. But also so I know she approves too.

But as I mentioned feelings, thoughts and emotions were something that just wasn’t talked about in our house and to be honest nothing really was. Looking back now it’s probably a big part of why I felt so disconnected from my family as love and emotions weren’t expressed. It’s almost like it was a business arrangement that these 4 humans were living together, aliens from another planet who didn’t know what regular human emotions were. Maybe it’s why I’ve always struggled to connect with myself.

Now I just try and meet my mum where she is, I don’t mention my transition as its pointless. She’ll never be what I want her to be and that’s hard to accept as I maybe nearly 35 but I still need my mum and I still want her to be the mother I need her to be. But that’s not who she is and I’ll never get that out of her and she hasn’t unlearnt her learnt behaviours picked up from her parents, she doesn’t yet have that awareness and maybe she never will and that’s cool. We all have our journeys and everyone’s path is different and everyone does things at different times and in different ways and that’s completely fine. So instead of trying to hold them up to the standard you want them to be at, you have to meet them where they are.

Our relationship is less stressful now because I don’t have these expectations of her, I just accept her how she is and its been so much better. I even enjoy hanging out with her now. I maybe see her once every couple of months and that’s cool with me. She’s the only parent I have left, I wanted her in my life, so I had to change how I viewed our relationship in order to have a better one.

Coming out as trans and starting my physical transition has been one of the best things I have ever done, my only regret is that I didn’t realise sooner but its all part of the journey and it happened when it was meant too.

I have learned so much about myself in the last 5 years, that its hard to express. Even though I still feel shy and have low self esteem, I feel confident in that fact I finally know who I am as a person, I feel less disconnected and I feel confident in the fact I am finally standing in my truth.

I’m still learning about who I am and where I fit in this life, I don’t think that ever really stops, as life is always changing and if it isn’t then it means your stuck.

Recently I have been questioning my sexuality a bit, again I think this is a natural part of the process. I think its because testosterone makes you feel like a horny teenage boy! But also, I used to look at guys and wished I was them and now I’m nearer the journey of having lower surgery in the next maybe 2 years, I’m starting to think a lot more about sex and having a penis and what that would look like, feel like etc cuz I’ve been 35 years without one, only ever touched 2 in my life and so its something that’s been on my mind.

Like recently when I watch porn (shocking I know!) I’ve found myself more focused on the guy and what he’s doing with his dick, which got me thinking and questioning, does this mean I want to have sex with men, do I like men? what does this all mean! and I’ve come to the conclusion that no I do not like men in that way, I don’t want to have sex with men, I’m just fascinated and excited for when I get to have sex with woman when I get my penis, which btw is 35 years late! lol and I suppose when I’m watching these videos, that I want to be that guy that’s having sex.

I still look at other guys and think wow they look so manly and fit that’s what I want to look like. But my ass over here is 5ft 3″ a bit chubby from christmas, I hate the gym and working out cuz it’s boring and exhausting. I try and remind myself that no one else looks like me, no one else can be me, I am who I am meant to be no matter what that looks like, as I don’t want to look like everyone else I was born to stand out, born to be me.

I was a bit nervous about writing about watching porn, as you know still can be a bit of a taboo and not something I really discuss with anyone. But fuck it, I’m talking about my journey and my truth and this is me, laid bare.

I don’t know where I’m headed next in life, but I’m going to keep writing, keep being me and hopefully, I’ll be me with a penis before I’m 40!

All I can do it keep standing in my truth, keep talking about my journey and hopefully helping others to stand in their truth and hopefully educating those naive people who don’t know much about the LGBT community.

Peace out

Zak

Crystal healing

I’m just off to bed, feeling pretty tense after writing out earlier blogs.

I was drawn to pick some crystal to put under my pillow while I sleep tonight, apparently I need 15 of them lol!

Hopefully their powerful energies will help me feel refreshed and relaxed when I wake up tomorrow

I already feel my muscles relaxing a bit, it feels nice

Peace out

Zak