Another day of doing fuck all, mainly because I can’t be fucked and because I have no money for another week.
I had a waterfall going on in my kitchen last night, from the ceiling. It means somewhere above me is a leak. So I rang my housing association to tell them about it. They said I need to make sure the person/people in the flat above me are in. I don’t even know who lives above me, they could be on holiday for all I know! So I went and knocked…. But no answer. GREAT! went back to mine and the light on the cooker is flashing even though it isn’t on, so I turned it off at the wall. Had a shower and went to get something for dinner that I could just cook with boiled water…. So pot noodle it was! Gah I fucking hate living here! It should be fucking derelict! They knock em up so quick and wonder why they pretty much fall down after a few years! Nothing but nightmare neighbours and 1 problem after another GAH! and they won’t move me!
Spent most of the day naked and in bed! best place ever! Fucking hate life so wank! Physically feeling less ill. Mentally I just feel like I’m fading. Loosing all sense of myself.
Something I wrote for my dad.
I don’t praise the sight of another sunrise, I despise it because it means yet another day spent without you in my life </3 Miss you Dad more then anyone will ever know x
Tank girl x
So yet again I am ILL! 😦 Everything hurts and aches, on more anti biotic’s. So fed up of feeling ill all the time, and having to deal my my head…… It’s just to draining. MEH!
Not even sure what to write. My brain is just a mushy mess… Too tired to put down anything inspiring or thoughtful…
It’s so frustrating, I want to be able to enjoy the sun, and have fun e.t.c but I can’t keep up, the sun makes me tired, I’ve lost my appetite, just drinking loads of fluids. I just want to be able to enjoy a full day out, without feeling achy or tired…. But I can’t! 😦 I just want to be a normal 27yr old…..
Tank girl x
Done all my jobs for the day. I had my hair cut, got my eyebrows waxed, dropped my rent change thing down to the housing office, got some cleaning stuff and cleaned up the flat at bit, got a few bits in town. Then come back and chilled out with the boys Oscar and Simba and watched some dvds.
Externally I put up a great front, getting on with life from day to day, doing the things that need to get done, just acting like everything is all normal. But that’s not how I am really feeling deep down inside. I think I have pushed all my feelings deep down inside, and sometimes it hits me in waves, then goes again away again. Just feel like I’m going through to motions of life, rather then living it. I’m just not even sure how I feel. I feel terrified to let out how I really feel, I’m scared of sinking into my illness and grief and not being able to find my way back out. I’ve lost all sense of self, sense or purpose. I’m scared to embrace how I really feel, it’s so much easier just to ignore how I really feel, and put up a front. Just lost and confused in a sea of feelings, and I feel like I’m drowning. Finding it extremely hard just to explain how I feel…..
Tank girl x
DBT group went well. The 2 mindfulness exercises we did were cool, 1st 1 we did colouring, 2nd 1 we played Jenga 🙂
I ended up spending the day with one of the woman from group. Was really nice.
This afternoon I ended up napping with Marley for like 3 hours, and didn’t do any of the things I intended to, but hey, there is always tomorrow right?!
Urges and thought’s driving me insane tonight. All I want to do it cut. It’s all I can think about, and I know it’s all I will think about it till I do it….meh. I just want out for a few days.
Tank girl x
So on Thursday I got poor lil Marley spayed. Yes she was pregnant with kittens, but I did what was best for me and her, plus there are too many unwanted animals in this world, without adding more to them. Everything went well, and she came home the same day. I’ve got to keep her away from the boys until her stitches are out and everything is all healed.
Mentally I’ve just been feeling the same really. Depressed, struggling and so on. Physically I’ve not been doing well at all. Migraines have been bad again, along with joint pain. I have been in agony with my lower back and hips. Been sleeping so much as well. Acid reflux has been painful and bending down is not good because everything I bend down I nearly throw up. Feel like I’ve got a viral infection again, sinuses are playing up, coughing loads, so tired. URGH need to get to my docs next week.
That’s it really. Will write more when I’m not in so much pain.
Tank girl x
Not written for a while. Not been feeling too social-able.
So Marley is pregnant, but I can just about cope with me and them let alone kittens as well. So she is getting spayed tomorrow. I feel really bad for her and the kittens. But it’s for the best in the long run. I’ve got to get her to the vets for 8:30am-9am OMG! So early and takes an hour on the bus! 😦 Will try and find someone to take me there. No luck as of yet though.
DBT group going ok…. Feeling a bit jaded with it all really, but sticking it out as it is one of my days where I actually see people for a few hours. It’s just an effort to get up and there for 10am. I am so exhausted right now.
Think I may skip class tomorrow as I gotta be up so early to take Moo’s to the vets. Will probably come home and crash out till I have to go pick her up again.
I am ill yet again! I am so fed up of getting ill time after time it’s unreal, not helping my moods at all, it’s just dragging me down and making me feel worse. I was well for about 2 weeks and yet again I think it’s just a viral infection. So I need to see my gp again. I am so tired and achy its un-believable! I’m just sleeping so much. Feeling so down and depressed today, just keep thinking why am I still here?!
Just fed up, not coping well at all. I just want to hid away from everything. I just want everything to go away.
Tank girl x
I think my baby girl, Marely moo, might be pregnant! Poor girl! Will take her to the vets next week, and keep you all up-date. Not sure if I will be able to handle 2 cats, and pregnant cat and then kittens as well as myself…. Will see what my options are if she is pregnant. I’m going to get her a separate litter tray, so she can stay in my room away from the boys, till I know what’s going on for sure, as she’s been hissing at Oscar in particular at the moment, and he is the daddy!
Oh my! Oscar will be getting his balls of as soon as possible I can tell you that!
Tank girl x
So wow this is my 1st blog! 🙂 I hope everyone that reads is able to get something out of it.
I’ve been doing a lot of “random” scribblings at the moment. Anything that comes to mind, comes out onto paper. I find it very therapeutic, it helps get everything out and organises my thoughts and feelings. I think I get more sense out my my crazy writing then I do out of my psychiatrist, who is a complete douche bag, and never listens to what I have to say. I swear she is just in the job for herself….. her own self fulfilling bullshit… I don’t know, but it’s certainly not to help those who are screaming out for her help…. As you may of noticed I am totally disillusioned by our so called mental health system in this country.
I will eventually show you all some of my random stuff…. But not just yet.
It’s nearly 3am and I’m still awake. My brain is rushing full of ideas and thoughts and things to do. Why it does this in the middle of the night I have no idea… I suppose by being up and writing and giving into my racing thoughts is probably not the greatest idea in the world.
My cat’s are very excited that I am up and in the lounge with them. They are racing about the flat like they are on speed lol!
Just watching Law and order SVU… I love crime shows and stuff like that, CSI Vegas, New York and Miami. I’m not too keen on NCIS though.
Ok this has been a bit of a ramble of a blog haha! BUT I’m sure they will get better as I go on.
Peace Out x